Lean On Me

One of Those Girls

It was a most lovely afternoon to be in the October LA sun poolside. Our time here in the United Sates was nearly spent. I was feeling amazing after a day had passed from my ecstasy trip, as was Roger. I couldn’t help but manage a broken smile as I saw a slightly worn and frazzled Veronica sitting at the edge of the pool with her feet in the water. I approached her, my heels clicking in my wake. She looked up, appearing to be rather surprised at my appearance. I watched her look at me, an expression crossing her face that was reminiscent of partial relief and partial embarrassment. I stopped before her, my heels clicking once more. I took a drag on my cigarette and looked at her. She shook her head and I could tell she had been crying at some point.

 “You’re the only person here wearing a pair of stilettos at the pool.” She said.

 “You’re the only person here who looks miserable in LA.” I slipped the back of one shoe off, followed by the other as I sat down beside her, slipping my feet into the water as she did. I put a hand on her back and it was all she needed to come completely unfolded. Here she was, my best friend, unraveling in a wail of tears on my shoulder. I put my head on hers and my other hand on her shoulder. “Come on…let it out. I know everythin’.” I told her. It only made her cry harder. Roger and I had to have a re-hash of our conversation the day after our ecstasy come down episode. Hell, I had no idea what he had said to me the day before. We had a conversation….a lengthy one and what I had learned was a bit shocking to say the least. I was the only saving grace in this situation and that’s precisely why John got Roger alone and told him to tell me to….well, here we were.

 “How did you know I was here?” she asked in her weepiness.

 “Your husband.” I said. “Do you want to go somewhere else?” she shook her head. There weren’t many people near the pool anyway. “Talk to me…” I let her weep for a few moments longer as she found the words she wanted to say.

 “I hate myself! I just…I can’t…I haven’t…” she stumbled around what she needed to say, so I filled in the blanks for her.

 “Post-partum isn’t your fault. Roger says you’ve been suffering with it since Michael was born.” I said. She wiped her eyes and  sniffed.

 “About a month after he was born it began to set in hard. It started with….with looking in the mirror and hating the woman staring back at me because I didn’t recognize her anymore! I have these two beautiful boys and every time Robbie or Michael would need me or call to me or cry for me….” She wept again. “…I…I just wanted to hide from it all. I am a horrible mother! I am an even more horrible wife!” she said through her sobbing.

 “Veronica, you are not horrible so stop saying that. Post-partum depression is treatable. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You love your children more than anythin’ and you love John. You know that. Hell, you haven’t even talked to me about the things going on in your life. How can I help you when I don’t know?” I said, holding her tighter against me.

 “It’s been horrible. I’ve had a complete disinterest in the boys, I’m short with John and he’s so good with the kids. I…I haven’t slept with him in months because I’m afraid to look in the mirror and….” Veronica stopped, regaining her composure a little. We were about go get into the meat of it all.

 “That’s the easy stuff to fix…let’s talk about the rest.” I whispered to her. Veronica wiped her eyes again and looked at me with that helpless little girl stare…the stare of a broken heart.

 “It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! I need you to look at me….I need you to look at me and tell me honestly how the hell you cope! How did you get past it!? Why does it not tear you into a million pieces!? It makes me so angry that you…you can just…have this…this seemingly normal marriage and I…” Veronica cried some more before continuing.  “I yelled at you….I yelled at you because…I…I couldn’t handle it. I was so jealous of you, Lydia. You and Roger are…you’re…” she shook her head. “I shouldn’t say this to you but I need to know how you got there! Lydia, John made out with a fan…it was just making out and I can’t deal with it! I always thought I could! I swear to god I think this is more of the problem than the post-partum! It’s not fair! You have…you have been through seven fucking affairs and two simultaneous STDs… look at you! How in god’s name….how did you…how the fuck do you get to the point where it doesn’t hurt anymore!? How do you get past it? I know I shouldn’t be upset over this because you…you have…I’m sorry….god I’m so sorry…” Her crying was drawing some attention from the people around us. I let her cry on my shoulder. Chrissie had been right, I was the only one who could get her through this because no one else could relate. I rubbed on her back, my head still on top of hers as my shoulder caught her tears.