Catch 22

11

"Rowen, it's not your fault. None of that is your fault." He repeats to me over and over, his arms surrounding me and holding me together as this tightening that's been in my chest for over a year as I have held this all in, hiding it all away from everyone only to dump it all out in front of him, releases.

I've laid myself bare and now I have to hope he is the man I think he is and that he won't be scared away.

"So back to why I passed out yesterday. I have to take medications everyday for the rest of my life, anti-rejection medication so that my body doesn't attack the kidney I got from Miller. I also have to be careful with my diet because the biggest post operation complication is high blood pressure. I didn't eat yesterday because we were just so crazy busy and the lack of food and my medications were a bad combination and so I blacked out.

"Damn, Row. I didn't know you were going through so much."

"It's like I never can catch a break. Every time I think I'm recovering from one thing, shit hits the fan again."

"Was I...was I the problem this time?" He asks weakly.

Fuck.

"No, no. It's not like that Cal. Um.." I say trying to buy myself some more time to decide how to word this. "My life, there's just been so much sadness in it. I'm like a jinx. I've hurt so many people. Everyone I let close to me just gets hurt. As much as I like you, as much as I feel a connection to you, I couldn't let you walk into my life without being forewarned. I have a tendency to take people down and I understand if you don't want to be a part of that." I say shakily.

"Rowen, I'm really fucking sorry that so many terrible things have happened around you, but I'm more sorry that you are blaming yourself. I don't care what you think the potential risks are. No one has ever intrigued me like you. I can't get you off my mind and for that, I don't care what I have to risk if the potential reward is a lifetime of happiness." He says seriously.

His face is dangerously close to mine now, his breath minty still as we haven't really done much eating thus far. His hand rises to cup my cheek, the pad of his thumb brushing over my cheek bone before his eyes search mine, looking for any trace of hesitancy I suppose before he gently presses his lips to mine.

His kiss is soft and sweet, his mouth melding to mine as the kiss increases in fervor. He presses his knee into the couch and it dips slightly as I lean back and open my mouth, allowing his tongue to slip inside. He moans against my mouth and every hair on my body stands on end. There's no denying our physical connection.

"Fuck. We need to stop. I want to do this right next time." He says, sitting up quickly.

"What do you mean?" I protest.

"I mean, I want the next time we're together to not be rushed. An extra room in the arena is about as equally romantic as a club bathroom. I care about you Rowen. I don't want to worry about time or someone walking in on us. We have a hotel tomorrow, can we pick this up then?" He asks and I nod quickly, wishing he would have just finished what he had started, my body feeling a little let down after he got me all worked up.

He sets to work on a piece of pizza then, the clock on the wall notifying me I only have thirty minutes left before I need to be onstage for setup while he still has well over an hour.

I bite into my own piece and practically moan from the taste. It's a little more messy than I would like but the taste is easily worth it.

"Hey, Rowen?" He asks as he finishes off his slice.

"Yeah, Cal?"

"If we do this, I want to do it. Like I'll be all in. I can't promise I'll be much good in a relationship as I've not had much success with them, but I promise I can try if that's something you want. It does't have to be anything to start off with, I'm completely at your mercy, Row. Tell me what you want to do and that's what we'll do. I'm so insanely attracted to you, I've never felt this way before and I have no idea what to do about it except to say that whatever you want, whatever you're comfortable with, I'm in."

He finishes his spiel and looks over to me, bringing his face forward inch by inch while silently searching my eyes for permission to kiss me, I lean forward, closing the remaining distance between us and softly colliding our lips in a gentle but meaningful display.

As we pull away we both seem to sense the shift. To sense the start of something with the potential to be something beautiful.

•

I feel my face grow red as Caleb announces that I will be the tech for Calum again tonight. A few muttered comments spread throughout the crew and my shoulders slump in embarrassment.

The last thing I need is drama with the other members of the crew.

I try to move quickly and keep my head down during setup. I get Calum's equipment situated and work on unwinding all the cables, stopping when I see the blue haired boy approaching me.

"Hey!" He smiles.

"Hey." I say back with a small smile while trying to stay focused on my work.

"Something wrong already?" He asks, his face covered in worry.

"Um, just, can you maybe not always request me to tech for you? I think it's starting to cause problems." I say biting my lip.

"Who's giving you shit? They all work for me, I'll say something." He starts, growing defensive.

"No, no. That'll just make me look weak and like I can't handle my own problems. I came on this tour to gain experience in all areas of sound. I need to rotate through the roles to do that okay? I'll still get to tech for you, just not every night."

His face sets into a tight smile and he nods, swallowing as he looks to his feet.

"Guess I'll enjoy having you close for tonight then." He says softly, placing his bass strap over his head and walking onto the stage to sound check with the rest of the boys.

I watch from the side of the stage trying to ignore the fact that I can feel all of the crews eyes on me like they're collectively trying to bore a hole through me. I feel isolated and targeted when all I've done is have lunch with my friend. I mean, I guess he's a little more than that but they don't know that, or they shouldn't.

We finish up soundcheck and Calum hands his bass over to me with a swift kiss to my cheek as he exits the stage. My eyes snap up following his gesture, multiple pairs of eyes on me.

An: Cal's reaction?

Do we ship?

What about the crew? What's up with them?

What's next?

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ILY

Sav