Catch 22

37

"Wh-what?" I ask her.

Surely she can't be serious. She's not dying. She can't be. She's only in her twenties.

She's so young and full of life. She can't be dying. She can't.

She can't die, because, well because I love her.

She sighs heavily and pulls me down to sit beside her in these God awful, ugly, uncomfortable, green chairs.

Why do waiting rooms always have these? Why not something more comfortable? Or at least something more pleasing to the eye.

"So, basically I was fine for a bit when I got home. I was out and about, trying to get a job, trying to get my life back together after the shit show of an exit I had from the tour."

I nod, urging her on with her story and reaching out to take her hand. Her dainty fingers feel nice in mine. It's comforting to me even if I really should be the one comforting her right now.

"I got a really bad headache and some nausea. I waved it off as just some kind of bug. Then I developed a fever and the aches and I keep trying to convince myself it's the flu, but I know it's not." Her voice falters and my breath catches in my throat.

"But-but what would that mean, Row?" I ask. My calloused hands tremble in her small, smooth ones.

"Shh, Cal. It's okay. It's okay." She soothes and I feel ridiculous.

"I should be the one comforting you." I say softly.

"I've had time to get used to the idea." She replies evenly.

"Why'd you shut me out?" I ask. "I'm your boyfriend, or —I hope I still am. This..." I say gesturing around to the waiting room, the hospital, her. "I should've been here for you through this."

"And what about your tour? Your brothers? I couldn't let you just walk away and I had a feeling if you knew about this, about what I fear, that you would come running because that's who you are. You're a damn good man, Cal."

She pauses and I can sense there is more that she wants to say.

"You're a damn good man, Cal and you deserve someone who can be there for you. You shouldn't have to deal with this." She gestures to herself and my face sinks into a frown.

"Don't say that!" I tell her shaking my head. "I don't want anyone else! I want you!" My voice raises slightly and a few heads turn in the waiting room.

I smile awkwardly and sink into the seat again. My head snaps up when a nurse calls her name.

"Please...don't push me away." I beg and I hate how pathetic I sound, but I can't help it. I'm completely in love with her and if she ends things it will destroy me.

"Cal."

"Please..."

She stares at me and the nurse coughs, signaling her irritation with us taking our sweet time.

Rowen gives me a small nod and I follow after her, my hand resting on the small of her back as we're led to a small private room to await further instruction from her doctor.

"Rowen," I speak after a moment of silence. "If this is what you think it is...what happens?"

Her eyes meet mine and she gives me a sad smile that damn near breaks my heart.

"So, when the doctor comes in she's gonna decided if she thinks it's rejection. If so she'll up my anti-rejection meds and there are a few avenues she can take to confirm it."

"Okay, like what?" I swallow not really sure I'm ready to hear the gory details of what she may be facing.

"Um, so first they'll probably draw some blood."

"Fuck, I hate needles." I say, immediately feeling like an asshole.

"You get used to it." She shrugs. "I just don't want to have to do fucking dialysis again. That's what this fucking ugly scar here is." She says, lifting her hoodie and showing me one of the scars on her abdomen I'd noticed before. "From my catheter." She says with a roll of her eyes.

"Anyways so then the real fun begins. They want to be extra sure and to judge the stage of rejection so they'll make me do a biopsy."

I cringe at just the sound of the word. "Which means..." I ask hesitantly

"They'll take me to outpatient and they'll put a needle in my back and take a few samples. I'll have to just lay there for hours after. It's to prevent bleeding and it's the worse part by far." She says and my eyebrows raise.

"You've been through this before?"

"I had to have it done four times within the first year of my transplant. It's standard to make sure it's working."

"Fuck."

She just shrugs and fiddles with her fingers.

I want to help her but I don't know how to. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. My heart feels like it's equally mended by her presence and having her touch while simultaneously I'm breaking at the thought of whatever is going on inside of her.

A knock sounds on the door and a short blonde in a white coat enters.

"Hi Dr. Carson." Rowen greets.

"Hi, Sage. I read your chart and you know as well as I do what that's an indicator of so let's cut to the chase."

Sage nods and I bite my lip.

"I'm going to send in a tech to grab some blood and I'll get the biopsy scheduled for this afternoon. Call Kate and tell her to plan on you being here for the night for observation." She says politely and I grow nervous as she exits the room.

"I um, I have a show later. I need to leave by five. I already told the boys I'm skipping soundcheck I'll be there in time for stage. Can Kate be here by then?" I turn my head towards her.

"She gets off then so I'll be by myself for a bit, but it won't be long. Besides, that'll probably be when I have to just lay there sitting still so it won't be so bad."

"I don't want to leave you by yourself." I say, hoping she knows how much I would rather stay here with her.

"I'll be fine." She says leaning forward, her fingers brushing through my hair as she tilts my head back to kiss me.

She tastes so good, so familiar. It's been weeks and yet as she kisses me it feels as thought we've never left off.

"I love you." I say softly, our eyes locked as the door opens again and the tech steps in to take her blood.

I gulp when I spot the needle. I hate them, and hospitals in general. Rowen takes it all in stride, she doesn't even flinch as the needle is inserted under her skin and the vials filled.

"They'll send a nurse to get you prepped for the biopsy in about an hour. Get some rest until then." She says as she steps from the room.

I rejoin Rowen, settling beside her on the hospital bed of the small private room she's been placed in. Her forehead rests against my chest and her breathing evens as she falls asleep.

My thumb traces circles on her forearm, the sleeve of her hoodie, my hoodie, still shoved up from where they'd drawn her blood.

As I hold her in my arms I can only hope the days of this are not numbered.

An: :(

Sorry for the sad times rn

Ily
Sav 🖤