By Another Name

Chapter 3.

TUNA.

There it is then. Right there. She is so many things to me. She makes me feel home even when I am away, but what she has never given me is peace of mind. She holds part of herself back from me and she always has and I know it's because she knows my secret.

I'm a fake. I'm barely talented, and I completely do not deserve this success that I have. I try every day to get better and be better at my job, but ultimately, she's been around long enough to know that it's all a lie.

I just want peace. I want to be able to talk to someone about my relationship too, but really, the whole "fan" thing has ruined that a bit. Harry was my best friend, in fact my brother. Do you know what it's like to be raised in a house where it's really just women about? To never have a brother? Well Harry and I did, and we clung to each other because of it, just like Zayn and I did, but Harry and I were more intense about it at first. And that caused problems.

I looked at Harry the first time I ever met him and thought "Wow. This kid's destined." And he was and he is and when we first got on together, I just wanted everyone to know that I was closest to him, and I wanted everyone to connect me with him because my God just look at him. He is the most kind person, the most thoughtful person, the most talented person. He is so comfortable around people and it's hard to ruffle him and he is all I ever wanted to be. He is an excellent brother for someone who's never had one. I was so afraid, I clung to him, thinking that by association I would myself become more talented and more deserving.

But then Al and I got together, and all of the shit started with the fans, and true, it has estranged the three of us a bit. He and Al are not as close anymore, and that bit wedged between he and I as friends as well, because I can't talk about them to each other and I can't tell him my feelings about her because I honestly don't want to hear it if they pity me, because they are both way to privy to my doubts.

And as infrequently as I say it now, that I want her to marry me and be with me forever, Al keeps confirming to me that she knows I am a fraud, that despite all that she does for me and all of the comfort she brings me, she is never going to marry a liar and fake. She'll never give me the peace I want. After a year of asking, I am realizing this. After a year of trying to make a go of it like Zayn and P have, well, I have nothing. Al comforts me, makes me feel at home, quells my fears, but at the same time silently lets me know that my fears are real. She knows. It's weirdly difficult and compelling. I want to change her mind about me, to prove to her that I am not a lie and fraud. But I know I never will, because she knows the truth.

Maybe someone, somewhere, besides my loving mum, will believe in me. I really can't even talk to mum about her because it has been so long and everyone is so invested in Al and I together including, I suppose for better or worse, me.