Confessions of an Ex-Death-Eater

14.

It can't be denied; the man knew how to manipulate people and he knew how to turn the knife just the right amount to create the perfect torment. I would admire Voldemort if it weren't for all the hell he brought with him.

So, I dutifully assumed the Malfoy sneer and swagger, did my research in the Malfoy library, found out as much as I could, visited Borgin and Burkes and studied their cabinet and went back to Hogwarts with the guilt and desperation in my mind as carefully covered as the Mark on my arm.

I was in hell. And it did not help that I had both my Godfather and Harry Potter watching my every move or that I was worried about my mother who remained at home, alone with Voldemort and his lackies. For once, I was grateful that Bellatrix was around, no idiot in their right mind would try anything stupid with her babysitting my mother on my behalf. Just because I didn't like her, it didn't mean I wasn't foolish enough not to involve her in protecting her sister and making her swear to tell me if anyone should try anything on. Bellatrix seemed to like that, she seemed to like my assumed confident attitude. She seemed to like that I had been chosen by Voldemort. And above all, she seemed to like that I refused to appear weak while being given the Mark.

My Godfather appeared to be looking out for me. He was constantly asking if I needed help or how I was getting on but, with Voldemort's warning still resounding in my ears, I didn't dare tell him anything. Harry, for whatever reason, was suspicious. Turned out he had seen me going into Borgin and Burkes and thought I was up to something dodgy. How right he was! Though how he had the ability to turn up where ever I was, I'll never know.

The thing was, I knew I was failing. I couldn't seem to make headway with the cabinets and the thought of drawing my wand on Dumbledore seemed ludicrous. I became desperate, even trying to get both a cursed necklace and a bottle of poisoned mead to him. I nearly succeeded in killing two innocent bystanders in that and I still shudder at my foolishness.

But still I struggled on, until, by chance, I came across a small book in the school library. It didn't give me much, just enough of a clue that led me down a new avenue to explore. As the school year drew to a close and after eleven slow and torturous months, I suddenly achieved what I'd been asked to do. I sent the message, nearly excited, apart from I knew what was to follow.

It is me that is solely responsible for leading Voldemort's Death-eaters into Hogwarts on the 30th June 1997 at midnight. The thing was, it turned out no one knew where Dumbledore was, it appeared he was not in the castle. As the Death-eaters ran amok, I made my way to the top of the Astronomy Tower, fully prepared to pitch myself from the top for I had failed Voldemort and was facing death anyway and I preferred to do it on my own terms. I was resigned to my fate.

I was, I admit, somewhat surprised to find a severely weakened Dumbledore at the top of the tower, quite alone. It was surprisingly easy to disarm him but as I pointed my wand at him, well, I could not kill him. My arm was shaking, and although my mother's future lay in my hands, I did not have it in me to kill another man, let alone one as great as Dumbledore.

I lowered my wand.

Suddenly, I was not alone, we were joined by other Death-eaters and Severus was there. I did not understand why Dumbledore pleaded with Severus, I do not know what passed between them, but I will never forget seeing the green flash from my Godfather's wand and seeing Dumbledore tumble backwards from the tower. It seemed to happen in silence, the noise and chaos seemed distant despite being so close. He just fell, forever.

It was the first time I had ever witnessed the killing curse and I did not want to see it ever again. I will forever live with the guilt that, because of me, the Dark Mark hovered over the school and one of the greatest wizards to ever live died because of my actions.

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