Improvised Plan #ProjectNigeria

26- Setbacks

Song: Sedated by Hozier.

Saheed:

I step back from my easel to admire my drawing. Pleased, I nod and carefully set my charcoal pencil on the small table beside me. Yawning, I stretch and move around my space, wondering if I should skip dinner or call the kitchen for a tray of stir-fried spaghetti and shredded turkey.

It is already past seven and outside, darkness has taken over except for the bright points of lights the city of Lagos emits below. I had momentarily lost track of time while completing my drawing of Ola. The inspiration for this piece of art is a photograph I had taken of her months ago, when we were still pretending to be a couple. Somehow, after everything was over, I had neglected the uncompleted work. It makes me laugh to think of the timely burst of zeal. I had seen her, touched her, kissed her; and now here I am, dedicated to imprinting my feelings with every stroke of my pencil.

In the original picture, Ola had been smiling as she listened to one of Nonye's funny stories. I had been sitting a few meters away, seated on a chair in the lounge of Luxury's Finest, using my phone when I just decided to take a random photo of her profile. It was one of the most beautiful images of her that I had ever seen- on and off social media. Her hair had been pulled back, exposing her high forehead, small nose and long, graceful neck. Along her hairline, small brown wisps curled upwards. I remember thinking to myself, I have to draw this.

I have grown used to these aches when I think of her. In fact, I now welcome them because they remind me of good times. Ola had indeed been a handful. A sexy, hilarious, willful and utterly maddening handful with the sweetest tinkling laugh and the most disarming nature. I catch myself smiling when I think of how she had laughed right after admitting that she liked me-well, in her defense, I did tickle her until she admitted that fact. But the effect was unexpected; a surge of warmth that made me pause like I was in some teenage drama where my crush admitted her feelings for me.

What can you offer her? Your broken heart? I ask myself. Your uncertainty when it comes to commitment? Your fear of yourself?

I stand in the center of my bedroom and stare at the drawing. It would be evil of me to place myself in her life only to hurt her, just as I had hurt Queen. Just as I had hurt my brother. What if she ends up expecting...more from me, more that I can give, just like the rest of them? They always do, no matter how nice they seem initially. Suddenly they want my presence here and there. They want money, they want my time, they want all my attention. What if I'm just a temporary thing to her, even if she doesn't know it yet? Does she know that she may tire of me, just like Queen did?

Guilt spreads through my chest as I catch myself comparing Ola to the women from my past. I cannot help myself, stop myself from remembering the lack of affection I have experienced- giving and receiving. My mother, my father, Hadiza, Queen. The people I have been unable to love just as they loved me. I understand that my inability to commit myself stems from fear, but... I cannot face it. Not just yet.

My phone rings, pulling me from my thoughts. I reach out for it on my reading table and shake my head with I see the caller ID. Ola is calling.

"Saheed, am I calling at the wrong time?" she asks without saying hello.

"No time is the wrong time where you're concerned," I say before my brain can process my words.

Damn it, do I have to be so corny?

Ola laughs. "You're so corny," she confirms.

"Not all the time, I promise. How can I help?"

"Do you want to go to the cinema with me this weekend?" she asks in a rush of breath so fast; I barely catch her words.