It was rather sweet of him to offer me a relationship. I mean in this day and age of no labels, there's actually a guy who wanted me to become his girlfriend after I gave him my hymen for free. I knew that I should be rejoicing and I wasn't sure why I was actually thinking of rejecting him.
"Girlfriend?" I slowly asked.
"Ayaw mo?" He sounded unsure.
"We...we don't even know each other...very well. Parang ano lang...napakaseryoso masyado ng relasyon kasi, 'di ba, kapag nasa relationship ka parang may roles kayong dapat ginagawa...?"
"Roles?" He frowned. "Tulad ng...?"
"Tulad ng dapat hinahatid mo ang girlfriend mo, 'tapos ipakikilala ka naman n'ya sa mga kaibigan at pamilya n'ya...parang 'yung gan'un..." I trailed off.
I wanted to phrase my rejection in a way that wasn't offensive to him. "It's not that I don't think you're boyfriend material..." I started to say. "It's just that..."
"It's just that I'm only good for fucking," he plainly stated.
"Iggy, hindi sa gan'un..."
He rolled away from me then settled on his back.
We both grew quiet.
"So, ang gusto mo ay hanggang ganito lang tayo, we just fuck each other and then say goodbye?" he asked after a while.
"No..." I weakly said.
"Kung gan'un, bakit ayaw mo?"
"Kasi nga..."
He sighed. "Okay, I get it. You're still not over your ex. Naiintindihan ko."
"Hindi mo naiintindihan kung pakiramdam mo ay 'yung ex ko ang dahilan kung bakit ayoko muna pumasok sa isang relasyon."
"Mahal mo ba s'ya, Eira?"
"'Yung totoo? Ang akala ko s'ya na..."
"Shit...anong laban ko d'yan?"
"But it's not because I am in love with him."
"Could it be that you're only saying that because you're mad at him?"
"No, it's because that I slept with you that I know."
"Bakit mo s'ya sinagot kung hindi mo s'ya mahal?"
Bakit nga ba...?
"Mahirap bang sagutin 'yung tanong ko?"
"Mahirap tanggapin ang katotohanan..."
"Na?"
"Na sinagot ko s'ya because that was what's expected of me. Our families were expecting na maging kami. And I managed to convince myself na s'ya na nga..."
"So, you really thought of marrying him?"
"Katulad ng sinabi ko ay akala ko s'ya na..."
He sighed.
"Walang babaeng makikipagrelasyon na hindi kasal ang iniisip na kahahantungan ng relasyong 'yun. Karamihan sa amin gan'un – hindi kami papasok sa isang relasyon para lang maglaro."
"So, you don't see yourself with me?"
"I don't know you enough to see a future with you..."
"Ouch..." He chuckled. "That fucking hurts."
"Bakit, nakikita mo ba ako sa future mo?"
"Bakit hindi? Sino ba ang magsasabi kung sinu-sino ang nasa future ko, hindi ba ako? Kapag sinabi kong nand'un ka, na ikaw ang kasama ko, paninindigan ko 'yun. Gan'un ako, malas ko na lang, hindi ka gan'un."
