We went straight to bed after we pretended to eat our dinner. I had a lot of things running inside my head but I was careful not show Iggy that I was drowning in my thoughts because then he'd ask what I was thinking and I wouldn't have an answer to his question – my thoughts were a kaleidoscope of unmatched puzzle pieces.
I had my back to him and he was spooning me; I felt him place kisses along my bare shoulder.
"Alam kong gising ka pa. Gusto mo bang mag-usap?"
"Tungkol saan...?" I quietly asked.
"Kung ano ang gusto mong pag-usapan."
I felt him move before the room flooded with light; he had turned the bedside lamp on.
"Hindi kita sasaktan..." he started to say. "So, if you're afraid—"
"Alam ko. Alam kong hindi mo ako sasaktan physically. Alam kong hindi mo 'yun kayang gawin. It's the emotional and psychological wounds that I am most afraid of."
"Am I doing that to you? Am I wounding you emotionally and psychologically?"
"Not yet. But you might."
"Eira..."
I turned to face him before I reached up to touch his face. "I want to give us a shot at kung napansin mo, I am not the type of woman who'll just shut up just because you threaten to cut yourself with a knife. But I don't want us to reach a point where I would be afraid to tell you off or call you out because if I'd be too worried that you might hurt yourself."
"That won't happen."
"It happened today and it will happen again if we don't do something about it. Kanina, halimbawa, kahit may mga tanong pa ako ay nilulon ko na lang kasi natatakot ako na baka saktan mo na naman ang sarili mo."
"Anong mga tanong mo? Itanong mo sa akin ngayon at sasagutin ko lahat."
"Why did you and your exes break-up?"
He expelled a beleaguered breath. "My first ex, she was a minor when we met. She was seventeen and I was eighteen. Her mother was against the relationship and she threatened to put me behind bars."
"So, you left her?'
"No and I actually spent a night in jail for her. Alam mo na, first love, akala ko s'ya na. N'un lang naman ako nagmahal."
"So, why did you guys break up?"
"She got pregnant."
"At inilayo s'ya ng mga magulang n'ya sa'yo? But you two still talk, right? Nasaan 'yung anak n'yo? Hindi n'yo ba naayos?"
"Eira, please, don't sound as if you want me and her to get back together, nasasaktan ako kasi pakiramdam ko ay inaayawan mo ako."
"It was just a question."
"That kind of question coming from you offends me because I am with you. Ikaw ang girlfriend ko and you are really asking kung naayos namin o hindi? Hindi ka ba nasaktan d'un sa tanong mo?"
"Kaunti."
"O, bakit mo pa itinanong?"
"Hindi ko alam. Maybe I am just curious."
"The baby wasn't mine. We were in a long distance relationship for nearly a year kasi pinalayo s'ya ng Mommy n'ya. She was sent to Silliman University in Dumaguete for college and then she got pregnant."
"Hindi mo napatawad?"
"Noon, hindi. Ngayon oo. Tapos na 'yun, eh, at okay na ako. Pero dati ang dami kong tanong sa utak ko – kailan nagsimula 'yung panloloko n'ya, paano n'ya nagawa sa akin 'yun when I was so in love with her and so faithful. N'ung naghiwalay kami, araw-araw lasing ako. Wasak na wasak. Kung laitin ako ng pamilya n'un todo because they were well off and I...I was just...me. Her Mom is a psychiatrist and she told me that I have Dependent Personality Disorder kasi lumuhod talaga ako sa harap n'ya para lang hayaan n'ya akong mahalin ang anak n'ya."
