To Be So Lonely // Ben Solo

20

Time was practically non-existent in space. She had no idea how long it had been since the Resistance got away. She had no form to communicate with anyone from the Resistance since her bag was lost in the battle. She doubted the datapad Ben gifted her would allow her phoning capabilities, or that she could bypass the monitored pad to get a call out, anyway. Part of her wanted to speak to Leia, just let her know she was okay and the plan was working, despite Ben knowing exactly what her plan was. She hoped, beyond belief, that Leia just somehow knew.

As time continued, Cyra and Ben fell into routine. A  slow wake up, taking turns in the shower, eating breakfast together that was delivered by a droid, training together, and then he would leave her to check in with the Council over what mayhem went on across the galaxy. Sometimes, she took a walk around the ship until he was finished or sometimes when he returned to the room, Cyra was reading on the couch, desperate for him to call a droid for dinner. Sometimes, she read to him and sometimes he read to her, but after dinner, they found themselves sitting close together, becoming more comfortable with physical intimacy with each passing day.

She tended to not ask about the state of affairs. Instead, she tried to trust that Ben would continue to maintain the First Order presence and advise to the Council to not make advances in the remaining unoccupied systems of the galaxy. He was trying, she knew, and that was enough for now.

She could feel very clearly that the confusion muddling his heart and his brain had almost gotten worse. He had Cyra, but that didn't mean he did not have to think various other stressors. Her presence made him think more about his own purpose in all of this every day. Spending time with her felt like an escape more than reality; it was like when he stepped outside of their quarters, he returned back to the reality of being Kylo Ren.

Cyra saw this in his dreams often. Not often because she tried, but laying awake in the middle of the night, his mind was unguarded against her. He dreamed of her, too. He saw them together and it was always outside of their room. It was on a planet like the one they grew up on, warm, and not wearing black. Her hair was short again. There were a few children running about, the Wookie, an old woman.

He dreamed about his fears. He relived the look in Luke's eyes when he saw him that night, the look in Cyra's own eyes when he asked her to leave with him. The life drain from his fathers. The feeling of his mother when he failed to follow through on killing her. But he saw his father the most, and on those nights, he held her a little closer when he fell asleep.

There was progress being made and she felt that, even if he didn't say it. He was a barricade within the First Order, he was reflecting on the actions of Kylo Ren, and he was becoming comfortable with Cyra. He had thought about leaving more than he cared to admit to her, though she guessed it. She could tell in the soft, quiet moments of their cuddled bodies simply by the long sighs he often released that he wanted to be out of all of this and just with her. 

Her presence brought him back to humanity. He didn't want to wear the mask anymore, he didn't want to cover his hands. He stopped wanting to hide. He was forgetting, with everyday, that he was supposed to be the Supreme Leader of the First Order. He was remembering his life the longer she stayed around.

He was closer to the light, but not bathed in it, and certainly not ready to admit he was capable or worthy of change. In the nightmares regarding his father, she knew that he resisted turning to the Light because of what he did to his father, if nothing else. Ben Solo believed he did not deserve a lot of things, Cyra included, and he refused to push the boundaries on what the universe would grant him. In his mind, she was beyond enough.

Cyra tried her best to maintain her current objectives. She sat happily stuck in their room every day, pushing boundaries with him where she could. She was tiring of seeing the same walls, but knew Ben was weary to allow her to roam the Finalizer with how Hux could be. It was a big ship, yet somehow Hux always managed to show his face when unwanted. Her only time out of the room was when they trained; he pretended to notice how she pushed for more time every day.