What I Never Told You

Chapter 6

  "Hey, what was up with Evie yesterday?" Ryder asked as soon as I answered.
  "Stop, you know she hates that name. And I don't know. She's been acting really weird lately, and I have no idea why. Maybe because today is the hardest day of the year for her." I replied.
  "I know. We were actually getting along yesterday until she ran away. I don't even know what I did wrong!"
  "I think you just need to give her some space." Everly pulled into the driveway. "She's here now. I have to go. Talk to you later. And remember: SPACE!" I ended the call and dashed outside. I slid into the passenger seat, and Everly pulled out onto the road.
  "So...what was up with you and Ryder yesterday?" I asked nonchalantly.
  "I don't know what you're talking about. We were just getting along like you told me to."
  "That was way more than just getting along."
  "What-ever!"
  "Don't deny it. I saw you buried in him during the movie yesterday. You were so smitten. But why'd you run away afterwards?"
  "I was not! And because... I felt guilty."
  "Guilty? About what? Having fun with him? What's wrong with that?"
 
  She didn't answer; we spent the rest of the ride in silence, listening to the radio. We were on our way to Venice Beach to scatter her brother's ashes. Today was his one-year death anniversary-- a day that would forever be heartbreaking, no matter how much time passed. Time would never heal this open wound.

  We pulled into the parking lot in an hour. Everly grabbed the urn from the backseat and I grabbed the flower petals. We walked down to the border where the water crept up the sand.
  Everly began her speech about his loss, "I can't believe it's been a year since I lost you. All of the days seem like a blur without you. I remember when we were little and would pretend...". Her words began to fade as I looked at the vast blue waters. It reminded me of the last time he and I were here. We had spent the day lying on the warm golden hills of sand, talking about our future hopes and dreams, which was the last time I had visited this beach.
 
I hadn't cried since October 3rd last year. But the wave of nostalgia was too much, and a tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly brushed it away and turned my attention back to Everly. "...I miss you and you'll forever be in our hearts" she finished. Her eyes began welling up and I pulled her into a hug. "Aww, Ev, it's ok. I miss him too". More than you know.
  We grabbed handfuls of rose petals and scattered them into the ocean. Watching the flowers float away made it seem like I was letting go. And I didn't want to let go. Not today. Not ever.
  Just then, Ryder showed up. "What is he doing here?" Everly asked. "He has no right to be here".
"Wow, what a warm welcome. I'm here because I was his best friend."
  "That was before the accident. You lost that right after you--"
  "I WHAT?"
  "NOTHING! JUST GO!"
  "No, not until you tell me what I did!"
  "Please. I'm begging you. JUST LEAVE!" she cried.
  He grabbed her hands, looked into her eyes, and said "Look, I'm sorry for whatever I did. Ok? Can you just forgive me?"
  "No! How can I forgive you if you're acting like you don't know what you did. And what you did is UNFORGIVABLE!"
  "I'M NOT ACTING! I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
  A trail of tears began pouring down her face, and I knew it was time for me to step in.
  "Is this what you call space? You need to leave. Now." I firmly said to him.
  "WHY CAN'T WE JUST TALK ABOUT IT? AND WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FORGIVE ME?"
  "WHY SHOULD I?"
  "Why? Because..."
  Just then, he took her face in his hands and kissed her. She kissed him back like whatever had been holding her back wasn't anymore.
  She pulled away and said, "I can't believe you did that." She spun on her heel and ran up the hills, away from Ryder, me, and the sea.
  I chased after her to the car. We climbed into the car and slammed the doors. Everly let the waterworks flow faster and cried her heart out. "I... can't...believe...he...just did that. Today of all days. As if that would fix things" she sobbed.
"Fix what?" I asked.
"Please don't. I can't. Not today."
  I opened my mouth to argue but then shut it again.
  "I miss my brother so much. Every day is just so hard. It's like I'm a fish trapped in an aquarium. I'm stuck with no escape. I live the same boring life every day. Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning without my brother."
  "Believe me. I know how you feel."
  "You don't though. You didn't really hang out with him. He was my brother and we were so close. He was my best friend. There's no way you could know how I feel."
  Her words stung my still freshly wounded heart. I knew that she was in pain and that today was a hard day, but she had no idea that the pain she was feeling was the same I was feeling but mine was more excruciating.
  I noticed a Snapchat memory notification on my phone and grabbed it from the cupholder. A picture of him and I filled the screen. He had his tongue out and I was nuzzled on his shoulder, hiding my frizzy hair and drenched white sundress. We had gone to dinner and were driving home. Originally, we were planning on going to an outdoor movie after dinner, but the clouds began to cry, causing a heavy downpour. They weren't holding back. The tears were washing away the dirt and everything impure. The flowers and plants were rejoicing for the water that they had been deprived of for months. All of a sudden, he pulled over in the middle of nowhere. "What's wrong? Why'd you pull over?" I asked.
  He didn't respond. Instead, he got out of the car and came over to my door, offering his hand. I took it and stepped out of the car. "What are we doing here?" I repeated. He led me to the middle of the road and wrapped his other arm around my back. He pulled me closer and we began swaying side to side. He spun me around, making me feel like a dandelion seed floating in the air. We continued dancing in the rain for a while, with my cheek pressed to his shoulder. "You know, I think we should tell her" he said, forcing me to look at him.
  "I know. But she's my best friend and you're her brother. And the number one rule in the best friend book is that your best friend's siblings are off-limits. I mean I love the girl but she really knows how to hold a grudge."
  "I know, but I don't like keeping secrets from her. And I don't like being a secret either. It's been 3 years. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."
  "Okay, we'll tell her. I promise."
  He kissed me. "Thank you."

  Everly's sobbing had become even louder and brought me back to the present.
  I looked up at the sky and him and thought, "See, she holds grudges. She won't forgive Ryder for whatever he did, and he was your best friend. But I made a promise to you and I intend to keep that promise."

  Some memories never leave you. Like the minerals of the ocean, they become infused into us. They become burdens that we have to bear forever and no matter how much we chip or scrub, they remain.