Fools in Love

32. STUPID STALKER, YOU RUINS IT!

What am I meant to do?

Matt wants to keep us on the downlow because he's concerned, rightfully so. But I don't believe this is helping, and I definitely don't like hiding our relationship. We went through this before, where I was too nervous to reveal us, where I lacked confidence (I still do from time to time,) but now is different. Now I want to be open and honest. I want us together as often as we can be. What's the point of being in a relationship when we don't get to be a couple? If I try to bring this up, will Matt even listen?

I'm not sure if I'm sad or angry. Suppose I am sad and angry, which aren't emotions that I like being tied together. They're complicated enough on their own.

My phone rings. It's Matt. And I see that he has sent a few text messages prior.

Matt: Don't worry about the articles or the stupid comments

Matt: My mom is spewing bullshit. She's doing it on purpose

Matt: Where are you? The shoot finished up early so I'm on my way over

Matt: Dana, are you ok?

Me: I'm fine. I'm at my dorm.

I feel like a jerk for not answering his call and giving that half ass response. He'll call Brandon to check in, though. I'm not in the mood to talk or hear him say that this is for my safety. This is beginning to feel like a prison of our own making. We can break out as easily as we shoved ourselves in, but Matt's going to try to convince me to remain here. I wish I could ignore the articles and the comments, but that's a lot easier said than done. They hurt simply by being there, simply knowing they are rampant right now. And of course my own thoughts don't help, the ones silently agreeing with them. Matt and his co-star do look good together. I wish such thoughts left me completely.

It's not surprising that soon after there's a knock at my door. I can take a guess of who it is, but I still call out, just to be safe, "Who is it?"

"It's me," Matt replies.

I roll out of bed while pressing my palms against my cheeks, hoping that my eyes aren't too swollen from the earlier tears. But they must be obvious since the moment I open the door, Matt's already solemn expression worsens. His hands tremble at his sides. I step aside, letting him enter. He's hesitant to do so, standing by the door afterwards like he doesn't think he's welcome.

"Aren't you going to sit?" I ask, plopping down on my bed while patting the spot next to me. That works since he comes waddling over like a child that thinks they're about to get scolded.

When Matt sits, we fall into tense silence, one that I'm not sure I can break. The only thoughts I'm having will likely worsen it. I can't stop picking at the end of my shirt or twisting the sheets around my finger. I'm being fidgety because there's a lot I want to say, so much complaining that I worry my tongue will fall off during the rant.

"I'm sorry that this is happening again, Dana. I'm sorry that you have to put up with this because of me. I don't know what to do, or what to say. She's trying to upset you," Matt whispers with his head lowered. Seems we're both similar right now; sad and angry. "She's doing what she can, trying to put on the pressure, trying to make you break and... and I get it if..."

"If what?" I ask.

"If you... can't stand this anymore."

"You're right, I can't stand it anymore," I mumble. Matt flinches. He digs his fingers into his pants, about to tear through them until I add, "I can't stand spending less time with you."

He raises his gaze, wide-eyed, fixated on me.

I try to keep my voice level, but it shakes as violently as my body does when I say, "I-I can't stand hiding. I can't stand "being on the down low" for a bunch of jackasses that are going to be pissed regardless of whether or not they see us in public! I can't stand being told this is for my safety when all it does is make me sad and infuriated and annoyed! If this is safe then I don't want it!"