My Little Ember

What Have I Done?

'What have I done?'.

I stare up at my ceiling in horror.

'What have I done?'.

Silent tears roll down my eyes and my body shakes from the shock of doing that horrific act to my own brother.

'What have I done?'.

I turn over in my bed and see my work clothes hung up, my eyes flicker to my pocket where the note is.

I slowly get up from bed and walk to my work clothes and get the note. Walking back to my bed I lay down and turn on my lamp.

I read it over again.

You're a demon.

You have thoughts a normal person shouldn't have.

I shake my head.

'No I am a normal person. I am not a demon'.

I wimper, the tears come back and I sob so hard my body pulses. I let out a silent scream.

'What's wrong with me?'.

'Maybe he's right but I'm not a demon...I'm a monster'.

Then I cry myself to sleep, with the demons that now resides inside me.

'What have I done?'.

I'm awaken by the sunlight shining through my curtains, I blink slowly. I can feel my puffy eyes, the red nose, the tear stains.

I lift myself up and run my hands through my knotted hair, I just stare at my quilt cover admiring the blue patterns. I swing my legs off my bed and stand up.

'What happened, happened, there's nothing I can do, I can't turn back time'.

'But he needed to learn his lesson'.

I wanted to throw up. He didn't deserve a broken leg and a big cut on his forehead. I should've told my parents about his horrible attitude towards me.

'But they wouldn't have believed me'.

If it wasn't for that man yesterday I wouldn't have done it! His words did something to me. It brought out a dark side of me.

You have thoughts a normal person shouldn't have.

Yes I secretly fantasise about hurting people but I will never act upon them. But I did. Never again shall I hurt another person.

I will get rid of these thoughts and fantasies one way or another. If I see that man again or recieve another note I will get rid of it immediately, I won't read a single word he's written.

He will not possess me.

I need caffeine. I don't care that I'm still in my pajamas, I'll get changed later. I stop in my tracks and race to my phone, I don't know the date or the time I don't want to be late for work.

Saturday 13th August
11:23am

Relief washes over me. I carry on making my way downstairs. The house is so silent you can hear a pin drop "Mum! Dad!" I call for them to know if they're here.

Silence.

They're probably at the hospital.

'Should I go?'.

I think I have to. I don't want my little brother look at me with fear in his eyes. Remembering that breaks my heart. I have to go.

I turn on the kettle and wait until it pops. Teabag, two sugars and milk. I make it in that specific order. Caffeine now in my system I brush my teeth and get changed.

Taking my bag I walk out of the house and lock the door behind me. Arriving at the bus stop, it's apparently two minutes before it comes.

I tap my foot repeatedly on the ground in anticipation. The bus arrives on time which I'm very grateful of. I take my contact less card out "Can I have a day rider please?" The bus driver nods.

I take my card off the reader and the ticket comes out, I place the ticket in my bag and sit by the window. There's not many people on the bus which I like.

Twenty minutes later I'm outside the hospital I take my phone out to ring my mum so I know where my brother is. After three rings she picks up "Hey mum I'm outside the hospital where is he?" She gives me the directions, and we end the call.

I take deep breaths getting the courage to go in. So many turns later in the hallway I get in the elevator and press the floor I need to get to.

It bings open and I step out. Wondering around I'm finally outside his room. Inhaling deeply I knock twice on the hard wood door.

It opens, my first sight is my mum who looks terrible, dark circles under her eyes like she hasn't slept, my dad looks the same.

I step in and see my brother with a cast on his leg and a bandage wrapped around his head. My mum presses her finger against her lips telling me that he's asleep.

"Do you mind waiting here hun? Your father and I just need to get some fresh air and a coffee, we'll be back soon" She whispers, I nod and they leave the room.

I take the chair next to his bed and sit next to him. When I'm about to hold his hand I pull it away, I don't want to wake him up.

Tears well in my eyes, they cascade down my face, I can feel the drops hit my legs. He shifts in the bed, slowly opens his eyes and blinks trying to get used to the light. He turns his head towards me.

Horror.

He looks at me with pure horror, he tries to shift back but his leg stops him "Jake I am so so sorry" I sob out, I can feel my eyes turn puffy.

"P-Pl-Please forgive me Jake, I'm a monster" I whisper the last part to myself, I quickly get a cup and pour water in from the water jug in the room.

I hold it out for him my hands are shaky I'm trying to hard not to spill it "You must b-be thirsty" He slowly takes the cup from my hand and gulps it down.

"You have to sip it Jakey or else you'll feel sick, you're already injured I don't want you to get sick". He slowly nods at me "Ca-Can you say something?" I beg.

He opens his mouth, trying to find the words "Why?" He whispers out.

'Because you were a fucking little shit'.

I inhale "I lost it Jake, you're horrible to me and I don't know why, I try to be the best big sister for you, I'm always there for you but the way you treat me...it's as if you hate me".

I sigh "I don't know the reason of your hatred for me. I love you so much but I lost it Jake. You pushed me over the edge".

His eyes are now filled with tears "I'm sorry Lina. I love you too. But it's like our parents prefer you over me and I get jealous, you failed your GCSE'S  and you didn't go to college but with me".

He stops for a second "They pressure me too much, they tell me off, they ground me if I fail at least one test or forget homework, but with you they just supported you whereas I get the shit".

'What the fuck? Why didn't I see this?'.

'Because you're at work dummy'.

I wipe the tears off my face "I'm sorry Jakey, I didn't know. I can have a word with them if you want?" He scoffs "They probably won't listen" I hold his hand "Well I'll make them listen, this is bullshit".