Semaphore

2. cameras

I feel the fabric of my freezing cold and completely soaked jacket sticking to my bare arms. The same is happening to the rest of my clothes. It must have rained for a long time while I was sleeping, I think to myself before taking off my jacket so It can dry a bit. I wrap my jacket around my waist as I slightly tense up, feeling the cold water on the sides of my body. For someone who is a victim of rain so much it's weird how much it bothers me. I'm convinced that if I was a plant I would be some type off cactus. After composing myself I continue walking on the crowded street.

I feel like some kind of alien, with people trying to avoid me as much as possible. The more I get used to it, the more unreal It feels. Like a dream. Or actually, more like a goddamn nightmare. At first it made me angry how people assumed I was some kind of aggressive junkie who did messed up things to end up on the streets. I was so mad at everybody for judging me without even having had a conversation together. But now i realise that, for one, who gives a fuck about their opinion. And also, maybe as much as i was denying it i really do deserve to be on the streets. Maybe i really do deserve to starve, freeze, bleed and regret. Maybe that's my punishment for leaving. I used to tell myself I was a victim, but everyone has choices in life so somehow I really did do this to myself. And in a way i don't actually regret it.

I cross my arms while walking, hoping it can slightly warm me up. But my hands are cold so it really doesn't do much. After a few minutes i drop my arms,  still feeling a burning, stinging sensation in my body due to the low temperature. I decide to just focus on the sounds around me as a distraction from the pain in my legs and the cold feeling against my skin. Cars, conversations, door bells, anything. As I continue to walk I look around from time to time, hoping to see something that can help me out. Normally I would try to light some of the half used cigarettes on the ground but since it had been raining all night I know it won't work.

After about ten minutes of walking I see an apple with a few bites taken out of it laying in the trashcan in front of me. Food, is all my mind can think of at that moment before I reach into the bin and grab the slightly mushy apple. Before eating it I quickly rub it on my shirt, trying to clean it as much as i can.

I can feel peoples eyes piercing into the back of my head but i don't care. They would do the same if they were in my position. The slightly rotten apple taste fills my mouth while eating the almost expired apple as I once again start walking. I tightly clench my fist when I hear the loud raspy voice of a man saying 'that's disgusting. That dude over there just ate straight out of the trash!'. As I turn my head I notice that the short chubby man is talking into a camera, planning on exposing me to the media. My breath starts getting heavy as I try to ignore him and keep walking, but something inside of me just can't. I run up to the man and without thinking I grab his camera. The man lets out a low-pitched scream as I throw the camera into the ground with all the strength I can gather. A grin is plastered onto my face as i watch the camera shatter in front of me, but as I look up angrily I realise I just messed up. Just like I always do. 'What the hell is your problem?!' The man exclaims angrily as he starts walking towards me, his disgusting face now almost completely red. I start backing off before I realise this is a fight I'm not going to win, especially not now that every single person around me has pulled out their phone in order to record us. So I back off before running away. My breath is all over the place and my feet hurt now that I have to run in my way too small sneakers. But I don't have a choice.

After about 60 meters I stop running in order to catch my breath. I am already getting closer to the market. So in order to motivate myself I close my eyes, grab my watch with my right hand, and start slowly picking up the pace again.