My Willful flame

Chapter in Thirty-Five

The fort was already lit up in flames once I got there, exploding in a deadly heat. I held my breath watching it. The huge building that was his home all his life was burning in front of him, and he was holding the torch.

"Xander," I tried calling over the roaring flames, but he didn't hear me, or didn't want to hear me as he dropped the torch to the ground. The fort collapsed into itself, the sparks flying everywhere...

"Xander." My voice cracked from the exhaust. I felt as if the sound of it wasn't mine anymore. Having heard her speak, with my mouth, use my body, watch the world with my eyes, I couldn't settle back into it. It felt so strange as if something was missing.

He looked back, finally acknowledging I was there. But the gaze was evil, reflecting the burning fort in his eyes.

I took a step back. Who was this staring at me?

He turned swiftly, moving fast toward me like the killer I had seen before.

"No stop," I tried throwing up my hands, but he was already in front of me before I could start begging. "Please," I winced as he grabbed my hands, roughly dragging me forward. "Xander it's me," I screamed unsure if he could even hear me. "I'm back, please don't do this. Dont!" I wasn't even fighting him. He dragged me to a tall pole, snatching the robe around it and quickly tying it around my hands. He fasted the knot so tight I cried out. Then he grabbed the torch and walked past me with slow steps. I turned my head, realizing what he was doing.

Carefully he bent the knee at the furthest pole, lowering his head in defeat. Then he let the deadly flames touch it and the robes around made it burn even faster as it soon reached the top. I shut my eyes hard before I could gaze up upon her again. Once was enough.

I don't know how long he sat there, watching the rest of his mother turn to ashes. I didn't dare to imagine where the rest of her would be.

I had sunken to my knees in exhaustion, crying silently. He never looked at me once, as I shivered there. The goddess was right, I had been called here without strain. Now I was freezing and starving. Maybe I was dying. Maybe this time he would let me.

I was almost passed out before he rose. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to my feet.

"Please" I tried again as he released my hands from the pole. "Please you can't be this person, Xander. You can't, there has to be something more."

He began tying my hands together, ignoring my broken pleas, his eyes flickering everywhere but into mine.

"There has to be something you're not telling me because this can't be it."

"Stop." It was barely a whisper, yet it had come from him. I had to stall for a second to realise it wasn't the wind.

"Xander please," I cried again, wanting him to look at me.

"I said stop it." He shouted, shaking my shoulders.

I held my breath, suddenly paralysed by shock.

"No," I shook my head in defiance as he finished robbing my hands together. "You can't do this. You can't act as if you don't remember."

"Oh, I remember. I remember." He suddenly sneered so resentfully. "That's what fuels my rage. The fact that you made me feel like I was worth something. You made me remember what the sun felt like. Made me crave the warmth of your kiss." His confession sounded so human, full of hurt and confusion.

"That's what I did? That's how I betrayed you? By loving you?" I gasped bewildered.

"Yes! By loving me despite knowing what I am. Seeing your devastated beautiful face tore me apart. Your fear became mine. Your pain I felt tenfold. I felt burned alive by it. You made me so afraid of being locked back into the dark, alone. A thought I had never considered before. Because nothing frightened me. Not death, or loss. Not until I met you." He confessed desperately, looking so deeply into my eyes I felt my knees go weak.

"I can't be punished for existing in your timeline, Xander. That's insane." A tear rolled down my cheek. I was so desperate for him to see reason because he was hurting me.

"You don't get it. I was free, Elora! I got to feel nothing for the first time. I was free of it all." He professed loudly. It was a truth I had never considered. 

"No." I remained composed by what I knew. His truth wasn't mine. "That was not the freedom you wanted, the freedom I promised you." I tried until he cut me off.

"It was. This version of it or death. It was never anything else." He shook his head, his hands never left my shoulders. They remained there, keeping me up and in place.

Death. That had been his plan. Fall to evil or life. I couldn't believe it. Had everything he ever said been a lie? Did he ever think we could have made it? Or was he just pretending?

"You wanted to go with me, to escape it all. Remember that? You promised to never leave me." I said desperately trying to get him to remember otherwise what was this all for? Why was I here? Why couldn't he let me go?

"There would never be a corner of this earth we could go to and be safe." He said with a lowered tone.

"It wouldn't matter, because I was with you," I said, dismissing him.  

He shook his head, keeping a tight grip on me. "And you were safe in my arms until you weren't."

I paused. "And you just gave up?" I said after a minute of staring at each other.

"Do you know how long I suffered? How long I held on trying to remember what your voice sounded like. The colour of your eyes? It turned off, and I was finally liberated from myself, and from feeling like I would never want to breathe again. Your infectious care made me stand at the edge of a cliff wishing I was mortal enough to die." He confessed sounding almost disgusted by his own words.

"Oh, Xander." I cried weakened by his pain.

"And then you come here, with your greedy little promises that mean nothing to me anymore." He sneered

"I did it for you." I wept. 

"You did it for yourself. Because you love me." His words sounded like mockery and I could finally feel my heart break into a million pieces.

"Yes!" I screamed.

He paused, letting silence fall between us again.

"I'm going to destroy that, so you will feel just as hopeless and lonely as I do. So you will feel pain by the mere thought of me. I want you to be nothing without me. I want your heart aching, your mind collapsing, your lungs gasping in desperation of losing me. I want you on the brink of insanity. Only until then will I feel satisfied when that little selfish heart of yours stops beating. Then I will be free." His eyes were cold, and I knew this was the utter truth he was confessing.

"You've lost yourself," I said, entirely gutted at the way he was speaking to me.

"A blessing." He added coldly.

"A cruel fate." I corrected, grudgingly trying to pull myself together. I wouldn't fall apart for him again. If this was truly his heart, then he could take his given freedom and go.

He stalled, looking at me with narrowed eyes and I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

Xander leaned in, "And now that fate shall be yours." He hissed and grabbed my hands, dragging me forward.