How To: Not Completely Ruin Your Life (#Wattys2015)

I'm That Asshole.

Did you ever have someone at school that people liked and you had no idea why? Hi, yeah, that was me. Now I'm not talking popular crew status (I wasn't bitchy enough for that) I'm talking just generally liked. Allow me to paint the picture, I was a pale ginger girl with glasses and braces...literally so many missed opportunities of bullying!! The only thing I had going for me was my personality, I spoke fluent in sarcasm and irony not forgetting I was super cheeky with the teachers and would always push my luck but because some angel was looking down on me for the entire time (she was really working overtime) and I never got detention.

In every year of primary school (6 years) I received an award for class clown (I know, they actually awarded that), during circus week I always had the prestigious job of riding the monkey bike (an extremely small bike where you get encouraged to fall off because that shit's hilarious) and I always fully committed.

Me: *being a little terror*
Teacher: I'm taking you to Miss Stevens
Me: Good, I'd been meaning to catch up with her. How is she?

Teacher: Did you get a haircut
Me: Nooooooo..........I GREW IT SHORTER
Teacher: Do you want a detention!?
Me: Out of interest, how many people have ever answered yes to that?

Me: *sarcastically* I am sooooo sorry
Teacher: That's the most unapologetic you could possibly sound
Me: Well what do you want me to do? Cry about it?

Ah sorry, the last one was just me being an asshole how did that get in here?

If you hadn't already guessed I was a huge tomboy don't let that fool you, I'm not sporty at all! You know that episode of Friends where Phoebe runs and Rachel is stood there like "teh fuck phoebs" (not a direct quote) I am phoebe. In sports at school I'd always be picked 2nd or 3rd because the whole tomboy stereotype tricked them too, either that or they picked me because I could distract them with my elegant run....Yeah, let's just assume it's not that. The only sport that ever interested me at school was dodgeball, one because I'm world champion (yet to be confirmed) and two because I'm agile AF. I'd be the kid that was really cocky so everyone threw the balls at me and just to rub it in I'd catch them out #sorrynotsorry. In terms of other sports, our class was banned from most because our excitement quickly turned aggression, Here's an example:

Rounders: We'd Throw The Bats Like They Were Frisbees
Tennis: We'd See Who Could Hit The Most Over The Fence
Hockey: R U Kidding Me?
Table Tennis: Read Chapter 2
Rugby: Not Today Satan

We were literally allowed to play benchball, football and badminton, even then we'd get bored and I'd convince the class to play sitting down and play in support of the London 2012 Paralympics it's a little harder but reduces sweat by 100%, my teacher wasn't a big fan.

I wish I could enjoy sports like running because people say it's really therapeutic as well as it being healthy but I just don't. The only times you ever see me running is during the colour run where you get paint thrown at you (I swear it's a lot more fun than it sounds), if a man with a chainsaw is chasing me in which case you'd better run too and running my mouth but that's a whole other chapter.