Narnia the real story

Chapter 12

Two days later

I was alone. And the timing couldn't be worse. I was having a major relapse. Everybody was out horse riding and wouldn't be back till evening. I had waved them off pretending nothing was wrong. Of course I made sure Stark wouldn't feel the panic that was quickly building inside me. I didn't know what triggered it but then again I had never really needed a trigger anyway. I sat in my room, on the floor, for an hour before I couldn't take it anymore. Stark had taken my pocketknife away but had forgotten that my sword could change into a double edged dagger. I pushed the lion on the hilt and pulled it out of its sheath. Without hesitation and without really thinking I put the knife to my arm and cut deeply. I kept cutting until my whole arm was covered in cuts and was bleeding like crazy, I couldn't die anyway. I sat there for a while just loving the emotional numbness it brought. When the numbness was gone the realisation of what I just did finally dawned on me and I burst into hysterical sobs. I had let everyone down. Stark would hate me for sure and I didn't even want to imagine Lucy's sad face when she saw all those cuts. I don't know how long I'd been sitting there when suddenly the doors to my room  were thrown open. "Shit. Lucy can you go get your cordial. Susan get me some towels please" I heard Stark saying. "Cordial won't work" I managed to say to Stark between sobs. "Oh sweetheart why didn't you tell me you were having a relapse. I could have helped you" he told me. He took me into his arms not caring at all that all the blood was ruining his shirt. "You're not mad at me?" I asked him slightly calmer because Stark was holding me and didn't stand back looking disgusted. "No I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. You warned me that time at the beach that you felt yourself spiralling down and I shouldn't have left you like that. I should have known. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me." "Don't say that you're here for me now. I shouldn't have kept you from my feelings. But I just didn't want to ruin today for you" I told him looking at the ground. "Nea I know your title is the Selfless but if there is anyone you can be selfish with it's me. Promise next time you will tell me. I know I might not always be able to stop you but I can help you to not let it get out of hand." "I promise." "Now tell me why won't Lucy's cordial work" he asked me. "Because these aren't wounds. These are self inflicted cuts. If someone else would have cut me it would have worked." At that moment Susan and Lucy came rushing back in. "I'm sorry you have to see me in such a way. Susan let me take those towels from you" I told them as calm as I could. I took the towels and started cleaning up the blood. When I was done the only evidence that it ever happened were the cuts on my arm everything else was spotless. And then I realised something. Apart from a bra and panties I was completely naked meaning everybody could see my scars. I hugged my knees so at least something was covered. But they had already seen them I could tell by looking at them I didn't even need to read their minds. The only person not looking was Stark who was just trying to make me look into his eyes. "For Aslan's sake look at me! You don't have to be ashamed. Girls thank you for your help. Could you leave us alone for a while please?" He told Lucy and Susan. They walked away looking ashamed. Again Stark took me in his arms but this time he picked me up and walked to my bathroom. "Let's go get you cleaned up shall we?" He told me and started to fill the bathtub. "I'm sorry it is cold water I don't have the means to heat it up." "Don't worry I do" I said and heated the water.

After I was done bathing (in my underwear) Stark helped me dry off and get into bed. He turned to leave. "Stark?" "Yes Nea?" "Will you stay with me please?" I askes him. "Of course I will. I was just going to get us something to eat and get changed. Can you manage to stay alone for the time being?" He asked me half serious half joking. "I'll manage. Just hurry okay?" "I will" he said and left. When he came back I burst out laughing. "Y-you look li-like a fucking sa-saint" I managed to say between giggles. "Haha. Very funny" he told me mockingly but started laughing too when he saw himself in the floor length mirror in the corner of my room . He was wearing one of those floor length night gowns. He put the food on the bedside table and started to get in bed. I stopped him "nuh uh not with that on mister." What should I wear then?" He asked me. "As long as you don't try anything your boxers will do. Because I'm not ready for more than kissing" I told him. "I won't I promise" he told me. He got out of the nightgown and stepped into bed. We ate the food and went to sleep.