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Elliot pov
I let out a loud sigh and closed my laptop, it's been three hours since mason and Elazar are gone I haven't seen Alex since he went downstairs after breakfast but I think his showering again because I heard the water running
my fingers are hurting I have been working none stop for hours there's so much work all the files are spread around my bed and my laptop in my lap
My leg doesn't hurt anymore but I need to walk more I hate being venerable and weak I don't want to bother Alex anymore I know we are kinda together and we..he loves me but I have never needed someone help and now it feels wired
Everything is strange for me now, I and Alex, is this a new beginning? I don't think so but at the same time I think it's a new beginning....for me
Am I hiding again? Am I running away again? Am I pushing Alex away again? Am I being unfair to Alex?
I can't stop thinking about all of this it's giving me a headache it's wrong to shut down everything but I love to be like this emotionless this feeling being numb I don't have any pain and sadness it's all gone
" what are you thinking about " I heard his voice I look up and saw him standing in front of me a towel is wrapped around his waist a little lower showing me his V-line drops of water fell on his neck down to his chest and waist until it faded under his towel
Fucking tease
I don't feel anything for any other men other than Alex, it's different in years that we were apart I tried to feel something toward another man at least attracted but I felt nothing, not even attraction
" thinking about you " taking his hand I take my laptop off of my lap and pulled him on my lap, I don't usually talk like this actually I hate talking like this but I want to try for him I want to make him happy at least I can do that
" yeah " he whispered I nod " about what, " he asked I pulled him closer to me and buried my face into crook of his neck I inhale his scent it's calming it feels like home I don't want to be anywhere else but his arms, my lips brushed against his flesh making him let out a low sigh
" talk to me " I caressed his cheek he leaned into my touch but looked at me confused " what," he asked " talk to me Alex, when we were in high school you never talked to me and now either you always make sure that I'm okay but I know your not it's always about me but I don't want to I want this to be about you too I know your hurt to just because your a gang leader it doesn't mean you have to shut everything out I have never seen you cry why? once you told you will help me heal and now I want to heal you I think I'm healed you healed me " maybe I lied about me being healed
" I'm here for you please don't be a leader in front of me be my...lover my Alex my...boyfriend talk to me please I need you to open up to me " I kissed the corner of his mouth
Alex never talked about himself he never showed any emotion like pain his always emotionless with me he let his walls down a little
He didn't say anything just stared at me " Alex " I tried to say he growled " I'm fine, I don't need to talk " he said and tried to stand up " don't you dare turn your back on me " I growled at him " or what " he challenged me
Clenching my jaw I yanked him he fell on the bed spreading his legs I hover above him " what did you just say I think you forgot I'm not one of your gang members don't talk to me like that Alex " I sneered at him he glared at me and rolled us over straddling me
" I like this position " I smirked Confused he looked down and realized he sitting on my crotch " fucker " he mumbled and tried to move away I held his waist " don't go, " I said looking at him
" I don't want to talk to you," he said avoiding my eyes ouch that sting
" I won't let you go so you better talk to me," I said sitting up Alex still in my lap I wrap my arm around his waist and kissed his neck " I can't talk like that " he groaned
" like what, " I ask kissing his jaw " you under me like this and the only thing in my mind is now that I want to fuck you " he whispered making me freeze my lips my hands everything stopped moving I think even my dick
" what " I whisper " scared ? " he raised his brow rolling my eyes at him " puff of course not, me " I chuckle awkwardly I'm not scared but I'm nervous fuck I admit it I'm fucking terrified I don't want a dick inside me but at the same time I want Alex's I don't want to be one of those guys who just like to top and don't think about there partner and I told Alex before we are not doing this stupid top and bottom thing
" I was kidding I'm not doing anything until your ready," he said caressing my cheek I clear my throat " I will do anything for you Alex " I buried my face into his neck again
" even die for me," he said making me tense I swallow the lump in my throat and nodded " I will, " I said cupping his face his eyes widen " why would you," he asked " you will find out one day," I said
" you want me to talk and don't shut you out but you're doing the same thing Elliot I know you we both have our walls up and neither of us is going to let it down because both of us are stubborn I think we will never let our walls down completely but I'm gonna let you in a little maybe I will completely someday as you will I don't expect you to tell me everything I'm not one of those partners who want to know everything so I will tell you something " I looked down he knows how I'm feeling
" numb that how you feel I know I feel it too you know being numb doesn't hurt and I love it I don't feel these fucking emotions except love for you if I let my walls down there's nothing more than pain I don't want anything else from you just love me " he pressed our forehead and shut his eyes
" I didn't cry since dad died I tried but I can't when you were in the hospital my eyes were burning to let the tears fall but I couldn't they didn't fall " I shut my eyes and held him closer to me I'm sure my heart is racing again
" I'm happy Elliot in a long time I felt happy yesterday and today I didn't feel alone being with you is everything you make me feel that I'm normal like I'm a normal 25 years old man that I have reason to live these stupid butterflies won't go away when I'm with you " We both chuckled
" I always think if mom never left us for another man dad would never kill himself and left all this in my shoulder you know I couldn't even shoot when I become a gang leader when I killed for the first time I was shocked every night I had nightmares and I saw the dead boy on the floor I could see his blood in my hands and I know there wasn't any I didn't eat I didn't get out my office I didn't even go to my room to sleep all I could do was to numb it and I did " he let out a shaky breath
" cry," I said he looked at me his eyes are red and glossy but he didn't let the tears fall " I'm here baby I won't leave you ever cry please let it out for me let all the pain and sorrow out just once I will always be with you " I whisper caressing His cheek a drop of tear fall on my hand
Without saying anything else I pulled him tender hug his shoulder shook as he cried he let his walls down for me I let out a shaky breath my own eyes fill with tears
Don't cry please Elliot
But I did I let myself feel and I felt everything..... again the pain the sadness the anger the hate everything I buried my face into the crook of his neck
" I love you so much Alexander " I mummer against his neck as my own tears fall repeatedly he didn't say anything but I don't need him to say it back
" never again " he whispered in my neck " never again " I whisper back
Feel now but never again
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Romance" what's wrong," he asked, fucking tears, now I have to answer him " nothing I'm fine," I said he scoffed " I didn't ask are you okay but obviously your not fine," he said I roll my eyes at him why can't he leave me alone " I'm not in the mood to t...
