Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Tales from University

It was my first day in university, and I was stressing out because of the pressure of simply finding my way around the massive building while thousands of people cluttered the hallways.  Needless to say, my stress levels didn't abate when I walked into my first class and saw the note the teacher had written on the whiteboard: 

Welcome to Organic Chemistry! Where questions like 'Where do you keep your chloroform?' are no longer suspicious.
FYI: You are the result of 3.8 billion years of evolutionary success. Please remember to act like it.

~

People in dorm rooms quickly learn how to cook using a multitude of appliances. Noodles or soup in a coffee pot? That's just level one when the microwave breaks. A hairdryer is an option to reheat food if you're patient. Cooking a slice of pizza on a clothes iron takes a bit more skill, although grilled cheese sandwiches are a breeze.

But, the next person to set off the building's fire alarm by trying such things at 4am is going to get thrown out the window.

~

Several days ago as I left the university after a staff meeting, and paused when my keys weren't in my pocket. I desperately patted down all my pockets and checked my purse for my keys.
Running back inside, a quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right.
The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police and gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all,
"Honey," I stammered, "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me? I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car."

~

The morning after my son's prom, he commented, "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $120 to go to my school at night."

~

Four students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the calculus exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.

Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. The students go home and study like mad all night.

At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.

The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test. When they turn to the second page, there is just one question left.

There are 3 questions on the page, worth 90% of the exam: "Which tire was it? How was it fixed? Where did this happen?"

~

One day, a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.