Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Kitchen Slip-ups

Hi ho, hi ho, into the kitchen we go!

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A husband texts his wife, who was at the grocery store: We're out of soap for the dishwasher, can you pick some up?

Wife replies: Sure.

Husband: Can I put this green liquid dishwashing handsoap in the dishwasher?

Wife: No. Do NOT do that.

Wife checks in 15 minutes later: You did it, didn't you?

Husband responds: Bubbles... Lots and lots of bubbles...

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When the instructions say to grease the bottom of the pan - they do not mean literally.

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My cooking is so fabulous that even the smoke alarm is cheering me on.

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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and go, "Well, that's not going to happen!"

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Why does cooking a meal feel like it takes 6 hours, eating it takes about 10 minutes, and washing the dishes seems to last all week?

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Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. "The more colors, the more variety of nutrients," I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, "How many different colors do you see?"
"Six," volunteered my daughter. "Seven if you count the burned parts."

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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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I put something into the microwave and always have to go pull the box out of the trash can to check how much time it needs.

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It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen. Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. "I was so excited," she told us later, "that I bought two!"

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One day, a young girl named Sarah was watching her mother make a roast sirloin of beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it, and set it in the roasting dish.

Sarah politely asked her mum why she cut off the ends of the roast. After some thought, her Mum replied that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner, and Sarah and her mother asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. Her Grandma thought for a bit before telling them that she had cooked the meat the way her mother had done it.

Now great-grandma was quite old and lived in a residential nursing home, so Sarah, her mum, and grandma went to visit her and again asked the very same question.

Great-grandma looked at them a bit surprised and said, "So it would fit in the roasting dish, of course."

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I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is 'love', but it's actually 'floor'!

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I commented to my niece, "I love it when you come over to my place and cook."

She grinned back at me. "I love it too. You have all the ingredients!"

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My son was coming home from college for a visit, so I went out and bought the type of cookie dough he had been raving about the last few weeks.

When I offered him one out of the oven, he took a bite and said, "These are good!"

"They're the ones you told me about."

He examined the cookie. "Huh. I've never cooked them before."

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General food expiration rule of thumb:

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Wine should also not taste like salad dressing.

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I ate a salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza. I ate a pizza.

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