Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Quirks of Life

Coffee: You can do this.
Wine: You don't have to do this.
Tequila: Oh my. You just did that...

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"Your waffle iron isn't working, dear!"

"Grandma! Please stay away from my laptop!!!"

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You know you mumble too much when you blow your nose and a family member in the other room yells out, "What?"

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What someone said over the pager in a large warehouse, "Will John Port please return to where you were before you went where you are?"

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I burn about 1000 calories whenever I have to put the fitted sheets on my bed by myself.

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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha­­! That's not going to help," she said.

"Sure, it does," he replied. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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When I see lovers' names carved into trees, I don't really think about how cute it is. My mind keeps wondering how many people take knives on a date.

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Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he'd planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a scribbled label that read "Condo down payment."

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If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with, "I really shouldn't tell you this..."

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Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with cheesies.

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A thief broke into my house last night. He was looking for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

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"There is nothing worse than stepping on a lego," I complained - right before slipping on a marble.

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Vampires don't have a reflection. I wonder what mythical creature is like me and unable to make the sensors on automatic sinks and soap dispensers detect my presence.

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I was walking home late one night after work. It was so late that the buses weren't running in this part of the city. I decided to take the shortcut through the cemetery since it would cut half an hour off my trip. As I approached the cemetery gate, I saw three young women standing there nervously. They were dressed up in nice gowns and high heels, possibly going home after a party. They asked if they could accompany me since they were scared to walk along the path at night. Of course, I agreed and we started walking.

I reassured them, "I completely understand your fears. This place used to freak me out when I was alive too."

I was not aware just how fast ladies in high heels could run if they had enough incentive...

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I was telling a new friend about my degree in technical theatre with a concentration in lighting design.

She slowly blinked and asked, "So, you're paid $52,000 a year to turn lights on and off?'

It was almost painful to admit that she was right.