Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Short and Humorous

There are no dumb questions. Because if there were, I would have exceeded my weekly quota by Monday afternoon.

Work fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours.

Nurses. Here to save your ass, not kiss it.

Restaurant sign: We do not have wi-fi. Talk to each other... Pretend it's 1995.

Smile. It confuses people.

My windows aren't dirty, that's my dog's nose art.

Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg.

Everyone brings joy to this office. Some when they enter, some when they leave...

Remember, as far as anyone else knows, we are a normal family.

Forget the dog. Beware of owner.

Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins...

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

You know you found The One... when you no longer have to hold your farts in.

The worst part about retirement is that there are no vacation days.

Have dessert. Chunkier people are harder to kidnap.

Home is where the cat hair sticks to everything BUT the cat!

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older.... This shit is not what I expected.

If ignorance is bliss, then why are there not more happy people?

Stupidity knows no bounds, but it knows a lot of people.

Why do people call someone a chicken to indicate that they are scared or cowards? Have you ever met a chicken? Those evil things will mess you up...

Based on my reaction when toast pops out of a toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas.

I have a ton of excitement in my life. I used to call it stress, but I feel much better now that I call it excitement.

People say go big or go home. Get in the vehicle! I want to go home, AND I am going to take a nap when I get there.

My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except for the ones between my eyebrows. Those things are my 'WTF?' lines, and those things are deep.

Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them.

I'm not sure if I have an inner child, but I do know that I have an inner idiot that surfaces a little too frequently.

I never thought that I would be the kind of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter and then guess what is on the list while I'm at the store. Fun game.

I spend a lot of time holding the fridge door open while looking for answers.

I wonder how many calories I burn by jumping to conclusions...

I'm convinced that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, that it comes back as an extra Tupperware lid...

So I followed my best friend's recommendation and just danced like no one was watching. My court date is next week.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?