Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Office Days

The door on our office fridge was open this morning. In most places, that wouldn't be a cause for concern. The problem is that the big container of yogurt that has been sitting in there for 3 years has gone missing. And everyone here is paranoid that it came to life and is lurking in some shadowy corner, waiting for us to drop our guard. Just like in a horror movie.

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A wife helped her husband, a contractor electrician, to apply online for jobs. One day, mere hours after sending in what she thought was his resume, the company sent back an email: "Thank you, your recipe for the potato salad looks delicious, but we still need your resume. If we call you for an interview, please bring a bowl of it for us to try."

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While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"

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A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee. "Why do you ask?"
The boss replied, "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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Our company gives out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a retiree called to ask, "What time do the turkeys get in?" The receptionist, without thinking, responded, "Everyone starts at eight."

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My supervisor told our group, "This project won't be something we can finish off quickly. It's like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one."

"And it will make us cry a lot," A co-worker added sagely.

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I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."

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I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent.

Frazzled, I said, "Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?"

She smiled and replied, "I take medication for that."

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Two days before my first work Christmas party, a memo came out saying if you were arrested the company would not bail you out of jail. Apparently, their parties could get a little bit wild.

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Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here's what came back:

Plumber: "Don't chew your fingernails."

Roofer: "You are fired before you hit the ground."

Camp counselor: "Don't lose the kid."

Scuba diver: "If it moves, it wants to kill you."

Photographer: "Take the lens cap off."

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While I was assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers requested a new dictionary. Following regulations, I asked him why he needed it.
I expected his answer to be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he said, "My current edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'"
He got his new dictionary.