Sketchbook

Chapter 14

     Next thing I knew, I heard police sirens...

Gabby instantly sat up from the bed, and so did I. I went to look out my window, but I couldn't see the front of my house from where the window was facing, so I couldn't see the road. However, I saw flashing lights. That's when I knew...
"Gabby, I need you to hide," I said quietly.
"You said they wouldn't find me," she said in a panic.
"They will if you don't hide," I said in a serious tone.
She then ran into the bathroom, but before she shut the door, she said, "You broke your promise."
Suddenly, I hear the doorbell ringing, but I didn't move a muscle. I thought maybe one of my parents would answer the door. After a few more rings and knocks, the door opened. I heard the discussion very vaguely. It went on for a few minutes before there was dead silence. I went closer to my door to press my ear up against it, just in case there was any more discussion or if someone was close by. That's when someone knocks on my door. It scared the hell out of me. Fortunately, it was my father.
"Jayda, hun, can you open the door please?" It was only 9 o'clock, so he knew I was awake.
I walked back a few steps and cleared my voice before speaking. "Why?" I asked.
"Just open the door, please."
Ever since I had my baby, my parents never opened my bedroom door without my permission. They were more respectful of my privacy, so father did not want to open the door himself. So, I walked back up to the door and opened it slowly. There stood my father with a police officer. I tried not to look too suspicious with the way I was acting. I don't think the officer was buying it though.
"Jayda, this is officer Calvin," I just look at him, "and he has a warrant to search our home."
     The officer just walks past me and doesn't say anything. I guess you can figure out what happens next. Yep, he found her... hiding in the bathroom closet. I could hear her start to cry, begging the officer to not take her away. Through the doors I hear, "Please, you don't understand, just listen to me!" That's when they come through the doors, and as the officer walked towards us, he handcuffed her.
     "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." Then, he stops in front of me. "Did you know that she was here?"
     "I-"
     "No! She had no idea I was here. I hid from her the whole time. I thought she would tell on me if she found out." Gabby yelled out suddenly.
     "Is this true?" The officer asked.
     What I said next I would regret for the rest of my life. "I had no idea she was here..."
     Gabby gave me a look of relief, but I gave her a look of sorrow as if I really fucked up. No, not if. I did fuck up. I let her down. I made her a promise that I couldn't keep, and now she could get killed. Maybe she'll kill someone else in the process. She's really good at self-defense apparently. Maybe there's not much to worry about after all... what the hell am I saying, of course, I should worry.
Father then walked up to me and pulled me into his embrace. "I'm so sorry this happened," he said.
"It's okay," I said.
"It's not, honey," he said, "but everything will be alright from now on."
I said nothing. I just stood there in his arms thinking about everything that's happened. Everything that I caused.
After that, I went back to bed, and by back to bed, I mean laying in bed staring into the darkness reflecting on everything that had happened today. I began to cry, but it didn't last very long. Eventually, I had fallen asleep.

The next morning, my mother had woke me up. She told me I needed to get up to watch my baby while she went running errands.
For some reason, my body did not want to move. It felt like there was something laying on top of me preventing me from moving an inch. I begged my mother to take my baby with her. I told her I wasn't feeling well, and I wasn't lying either. Everything felt horrible to me, mentally and physically. I had never felt as horrible as I did at that moment.
Mother was convinced to take the baby with her, so I was home alone since my father went to work.
After about an hour, I finally got out of bed. I went to use the bathroom, and after, I stood in the mirror just looking at myself. I couldn't process anything going through my head. All I could think about was... "it's all my fault." I kept saying it over and over again. Even when I didn't say it, I could hear the voices in my head saying it back to me. Gabby, Brady, Charles, my parents... my baby... everyone that I love the most and have disappointed... even Anna. We were best friends since basically birth, and she doesn't even know me anymore. I just wanted to get away from everyone. I wanted to get out of people's lives and make their lives easier without me.
I went back to my room and sat on my bed just deep in my thoughts. I decided to call Charles. Maybe everything would be alright if I could just talk to someone. Charles seemed like a good option, but... he didn't answer. It went to voicemail. I tried calling one more time, but still no answer. I wanted to believe he was probably still sleeping, or maybe he was in another room, but the voices in my head kept telling me that he was ignoring me. Maybe he didn't care. Maybe he had something better to worry about and didn't feel like talking to me. Yea, that seemed like a good theory. So, I decided to leave a voicemail. He may not have wanted to talk to me, but I thought it would be best to at least explain myself, and he could listen whenever he wanted to. I decided to tell him everything I wanted to tell him...
"Hey, Charles, it's me. It kind of sucks you couldn't come to the phone, but it's fine. You probably have more important things to worry about than me," I chuckled, "I would do anything else but listen to myself too," I chuckled again this time with tears filling my eyes, "uhm, I just wanted to tell you what I wish I could've been able to tell you in the future. I love you so much, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. Despite what anyone has told me," this brought back the memories of me and Anna, "I have always believed in you and me." I then started crying uncontrollably. "I knew that one day, you and I would be together forever." I paused for a moment, so I could calm down and get my words out right. "But now, my faith has failed me. Because all this time, you would've been far better off without me. So, I wanna say I'm sorry.. for everything. I'm sorry for coming into your life and ruining it. You would've had the best future of your life. So, I wanna give you that opportunity. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna move on from this life. Maybe that's what God's plan was for my life, after all, to just end it. Forgive me, Charles. I promise I'll always love you regardless of the things I do. Take care of Damien for me. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it." There was a long silence after that. I truly didn't know what else I could possibly say. Maybe he's not even listening this far, so I just ended the call. "Goodbye..."
I put my phone down and went back to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror one last time before I opened the cabinet under my sink. I took out my antidepressants that I hadn't even used anymore, and I swallowed every last pill in the bottle. I then went over and lied down in the cold bathtub. "This is it," I thought to myself. This is where it all ends. I said sorry to God before drifting to an everlasting sleep.