Sketchbook

Chapter 21

~Gabby's POV~

I woke up to dim lights. My body was very sore. I looked around the room, and I saw Charles and you passed out in the chair. I looked down at my arms to see them all stitched up, and they hurt a lot. I started to cry due to the pain. The mental and physical pain. It was the last thing I felt, and it's what I feel now.
     The last thing I remember was locking myself in your bathroom. I sat in the floor for like half an hour before I decided I didn't want to live anymore. I went through your bathroom trying to find some type of escape, and I found an eyebrow razor. I sat back down on the floor with it, and I just stared at it for a while. I thought about every bad memory I ever had, with Brady, with mom, with myself, everything. I tried to convince myself the best I could that I needed to do this.  When I finally did, I closed my eyes. I thought about how I don't have to suffer anymore. I don't have to wake up and deal with life anymore.. but I woke up. I wasn't supposed to wake up.
     I cried even more realizing the situation I was in. I pressed the call button to alert the nurse that I was awake, and when she showed, I begged her not to say anything too loud. I didn't want to wake Charles and you. I didn't want to hear how much I hurt you.
     The nurse simply did a check up on me to make sure everything was fine before leaving very quietly. Charles and you stayed asleep the whole time. I looked at your current state. You were leaning on Charles while Charles had his arm around you.
Knowing Charles for as long as I did, I never thought he would actually fall in love with someone. He was always a player. One day he had a girlfriend, and the next day he had another one. He messed around with a lot of girls in high school.
     But you... something about you... changed him. I totally get it though. You are absolutely special. You are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I remember the day I met you, like it was yesterday. When I first looked into your eyes, your beauty was captivating. I fell for you so hard. When I found out about Charles leaving you, I wanted it to be my opportunity to be there for you. I wanted to be yours. Then.. he came back, and here we are now.
     The only thing about you and your whole family that I don't understand is your devotion to religion. I don't think you are wrong or dumb to believe such things, but isn't it interesting how this God is supposed to be this all knowing and all loving? Trust in this God and you'll be saved. Saved from what? Hell? What's the difference between that place and this one? Everyday is hell. My entire life, the life that I never asked for, was and is a living hell. My life was taken from me. Every opportunity of happiness and love was taken from me. What's the point of living if I don't get to be happy. That's why I tried to take my own life. I never once in my life experienced true joy and happiness... until you. My best friend. My sister who I love with all my heart. You are my happiness. I love you more than I love myself. And... I will never be yours. I can't be upset though because I know you are happy. You love Charles and Charles loves you back. It's true love. Who knows who will love me. Will I even live long enough? When the nurse did a check up on me, she told me my organs were failing. Even though I tried to take my own life, I still fear death. I know you care about me, so what are you gonna think if I die? What is Charles gonna think? How will you live your lives without me? Either way you will I guess. I just wish my life would've turned out a little better than this.
     Jayda.. I love you so much. I want you to know that no matter what happens in the end, I'm always gonna be in your heart. If I die, I want you to continue your life. Don't try to take your life again. Your son needs you. Charles needs you. Your family needs you, regardless of their stupid opinions about my life choices. You're loved, Jayda. You're needed. If somehow, I survive this, I promise to spend every second of my life being there for you. I will finally take the opportunity to show someone how much I can love. I'm not just some child who's birth parents left her on someone's doorstep. I'm not just a kid who's adopted mother abandoned her. I'm not just someone who was mentally and physically abused by their only other "family." I'm Gabrielle Hernandez. But all I am is a name. There is nothing else attached to it.
     Tell Charles that I love him too. I want to hate him for never seeing what was going on with the person he was closest too, but I know he hates himself more. Tell him that everything is gonna be ok now. The past is the past. We can only live in the present. You two have a child. That beautiful angel is your number one priority. Children should always come first. Trust me...
     I want to apologize to your parents. Not for what I said though. I'm proud of who I am, I just want to apologize if I offended them. I didn't realize how serious they were with this religious stuff. What if I had told them that I don't care what they think? What if I just straight up said that they were wrong about me? What would they have said then? What would they have done? They just adopted me. Were they willing to get rid of me already? I'm curious what they think, Jayda. Ask them for me.
     I am so sorry for what I did. If I didn't do this, my organs wouldn't be failing. Just please let me see you as often as possible. You make me feel the only bit of happiness that my body is capable of feeling. You are the only part of life I look forward to. You are the only reason I've continued on for as long as I have. Please just visit me, and then, whether I live or die, it'll be worth it because you're there.
     I'm gonna ask the nurse to hold onto this until you wake up. Sleep well, Jayda. I love you. I always have and I always will.
     ~Gab <3