swim || remus lupin

what i've done

Although the air was growing increasingly warm with the incoming summer, something was different when we returned to Hogwarts. Something was colder.

One morning, sometime in the middle of May, I awoke for breakfast earlier than usual.

Though, I suppose I shouldn't say 'awoke', considering I was already awake when I decided to get out of bed.

I was awake a lot these days.

It seemed as though my old fear of the dark had resurfaced. However, instead of tridents and traitorous brothers, my head was filled with images of my friends dying. And, instead of the dark, I was afraid all the time.

I pictured Lily dead on the bathroom floor when I went to brush my teeth. I pictured Peter dead by the fire when I sat in the common room. I pictured Sirius dead in the boys' dorm when he didn't show up for a meal. And, sometimes I could swear Remus's heart stopped beating in his sleep.

Most nights, too, I dreamt of them dead at the bottom of the lake.

So, yeah, I was awake a lot these days.

This particular morning, I was exhausted. But not from lack of sleep. I was exhausted because Remus's heartbeat had kept me up the entire night; although it was beating at a perfectly normal rate, it didn't feel like it. It felt like every two minutes it would freeze, and Remus would suffocate on nothing, and I would be alone.

I decided to stop listening to his heartbeat and I got up for breakfast earlier than usual.

I slipped out of bed quietly, crept down the stone steps quietly, and entered the dining hall quietly. I took a simple seat and filled my plate with simple food.

"Oi, Carter," called a dumb and gravelly voice.

I spread strawberry cream cheese on my bagel.

"Hellooo."

I decided to have orange juice.

"Don't tell me you're deaf and a mutant."

"We're all mutants, Crabbe," I stated, not turning to face the daft boy from the table behind me. "Magical people aren't normal in most parts of the world."

"Yeah, well, you're a freak mutant."

"You come up with that on your own?"

"If you must know-"

"Quiet, Crabbe," said a deep and slow voice like slime dripping down my back. "We don't need to waste our breath attacking her when her own people can do it for us."

"Good morning, Snivellus," I replied, finally turning to face the three boys in green. "Looking extra greasy this morning."

Snape narrowed his dark eyes at me through his curtains of damp black hair. He was slouched between his two idiot bodyguards, and I was alone, so he believed I was an easy target. Maybe that's why he replied: