swim || remus lupin

rolling in the deep

My feet slammed over the hard concrete, and I ran.

I ran past the broken door, past Hagrid, past Dumbledore, past the house with three dead bodies and a ghost, my ghost, which was left at the stairs, staring down at James.

I would never really leave that house. I would never leave Lily, with her fiery hair and extinguished breath. I would never leave Harry, with eyes like his mother that cried like his father. And I would never leave James, who collapsed to the floor with no one there to stop his fall.

My body was running, but my ghost was left at the stairs.

In its place, new ghosts swept into my lungs. Cold and thick and sad.

And the ghosts sucked out my breath and surrounded my heart, squeezing it so tight that every beat slammed sharp against my ribs. And I ran.

I didn't know where or why, but I needed to go. I needed to get out.

And then a motorbike swerved sharply around the corner and I dove quickly out of the way.

And, as my shoulder hit the pavement, every ghost steamed out of me and I was left with only tears like lava.

"Syd?" Said the person on the bike. "Syd, what are you doing here?"

Sirius stepped off of his motorcycle and held out a hand to help me up. I took it, but when I rose up my legs failed and I nearly fell into him.

"Sirius," I said, my voice misting like a ghost. "Sirius, oh my God."

Sirius placed his hands on my shoulders and all was forgotten. My knees gave out and I fell into his chest and I cried the tears like lava all over his shirt.

"They're dead, Sirius," I said. "He killed them."

Sirius stiffened up, and then his arms wrapped tightly around me, and I could feel his tears fall over my hair like lava.

"All of them?" He asked in such a void and broken voice.

"Not Harry," I said. "Just... Just James and Lily."

Sirius's chest shook against mine.

"It's all my fault," we said together, and then we both pulled back.

And we didn't have to say any words or give any hollow reassurance. Nothing was going to shift the blame in our minds.

"We have to find him," I said. "We have to find Peter."

Sirius nodded and then looked sideways at his motorcycle.

"I just have to do something," he said. "Stay here, okay? I'll be right back."

I wanted to ask him to stay, I wanted to say that I couldn't be left alone, I wanted to tell him about the ghost.

I wanted to go back in time and unwrite that letter.