Before It's Too Late

Chapter 25

DAVID'S VISION SPUN. EACH day that passed by, he noticed how different Avery was. She never demanded from him, even if she had the right to. Instead, she'd always given her way when he needed to choose his work over their plans. Since they'd been together, she was always soft-spoken, sweet, and humble. She was always his number-one cheerleader. All the more, he couldn't find any reason at all to justify his unfaithfulness.

If only he could turn back time. He was thinking about all the decisions that led to his situation. It made him question himself. Did he hide the pregnancy to protect Avery from getting hurt? Was everything he did for Avery? If it was, why was she hurting the most?

Despite knowing how much he loved her, he still lied to her. He disrespected her for not fulfilling his promise. Instead of honestly admitting the situation, he manipulated her. He acted in the situation for selfish reasons. He realized all the things he did to cover the truth were not to save Avery from the hurt. It was to save himself.

He was a coward. For the first time, David admitted this to himself. Of all the days since he had been a fucked up mess, it was the time he felt the most shivering goosebumps of fear. How did he let things come this far?

As cliche, as it may seem, he initially thought it happened because the opportunity had presented itself. He was in the same bar in LA while the group was there. Though he couldn't deny he should have left that drunken evening that evolved into a one-night stand. It was supposed to have been a one-time mistake, but it had turned out to be something so much worse than that.

When he had faced the same opportunity in Boston, he'd felt fleeting fear and remorse. He became anxious about Avery finding out about the affair. But when the supposed mistake repeatedly happened, as monstrous as it may have seemed, there were times he lived through those moments guilt-free. He saw the cheating as a stimulant for change or, as the Big Five senior often said, "something that just happened."

There was always regret after; he kept telling himself. Then, remembering the events that transpired in those two months, he realized how he had spent so long trying to cover up and shy away from uncomfortable emotions. It was like getting high, but as soon as he was done getting high, guilt, shame, and remorse followed. He was sure he was feeling guilty. But if someone had asked him then, he might have answered no. Because every time the opportunity presented itself, he realized he wasn't in touch with most of his feelings.

Whenever his senior partner got the chance, he kept reminding him: "David, repetition doesn't transform a lie into truth. Don't you remember Frank Roosevelt's words? I don't think you see the danger you've put yours and Avery's relationship." His senior partner was right. It felt as if the repeated instances of cheating had transformed his feeling of guilt and shame into something like a daily routine. Or sometimes, it was like a challenge that pumped his adrenaline to survive.

Although he already felt contrition when Avery confronted him, he got to take a step toward getting over the guilt and shame when he admitted it—allowing Avery to react made him feel how badly he did. It was much bigger than it was in his mind before his admission. Avery confronting him made him realize what he wanted. He wanted to marry her, only her.

But when the pregnancy news slapped him, he didn't live up to his promise again. Instead of revealing the situation, he focused on saving his face; he covered the truth with lies disguised as not wanting to hurt her.

Knowing he was in deep trouble, all the reminders and warnings he'd got before came back at him. Truth had revealed itself. This time, it wasn't just between him and Avery. Every time someone else learned of their predicament, that one person was like a wall getting in between them. He felt Avery getting further and further away. As Art told him, more people were now out for his blood—people who care for Avery, including his parents.

With all the events unfolding, Avery leaving him and wanting to cancel the wedding, their parents learning the truth, and the unexpected demands from the woman with whom he wished to undo all connections, everything was a list of recipes for disaster. But through it all, there was only one thing he could wish for: Avery and their child.

Fear and regret had been consuming him. He'd been trying to reassure himself that he could still convince Avery to give him the last chance he'd been begging for. He would be willing to give up everything if there was at least one sure way to get such, together with the lifetime vow never to break her trust and heart again.

He begged God to help him just this once. What should he do? David uttered his prayer. Deep within his heart, a pang of worry kept creeping in. The idea of Avery not wanting him back started to kill him. He couldn't visualize a life without her. All the more a future not spent with their child. He should have told her the truth instead of hiding it. Visions of the future without Avery and their child beside him were suffocating.

He couldn't let it happen. It was time he admitted he needed help from people close to Avery. But who would he run to? All the people close to her who were aware of the situation by now would surely want him dead. He could only imagine how those people would even be willing to kill him for her if possible. Even his parents were not on his side. Why would they be? He broke her, and what he did shattered the relationships of all their families and close friends.

But he didn't have a choice. He'd take the risk. Anything that could help him, from anyone. Slowly he stepped toward his parent's room. He took a deep, long breath and knocked. When he heard his mother say, "Come in," he opened the door with his hands shaking.

His mother bit her lip, glanced at him, and immediately looked away. She didn't have to say anything. He got the message loud and clear. He slowly held her hand as he sat beside her at the foot of the bed. He was thankful his mother didn't pull away. But she also didn't move at all. Instead, she just looked at him with a questioning face.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for? Make me understand." Tears slowly fell on his mother's cheeks. Then, with his trembling hand, David gradually wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I'm sorry for everything. All the unacceptable things I've done. All the hurt I've caused Avery, the disappointments I brought upon you and Dad. I deserve nothing good after all the bad I've done." His mother cupped his face. "Please help me, Mom. I can't lose Avery. I need her and our child in my life." Then, with his voice trembling and hands shaking, he covered his mother's hands.

"As a mother, I knew that sadness can come in many forms. It breaks my heart because I didn't expect one of its forms to resemble your face right now." His mother sobbed as she wiped the tears that glistened from his eyes.

"I don't know what to do, Mom. What should I do?" His eyes begged for answers.

His mother's warm arms hugged David. "I wish I could tell you the right answer. How I wish this time were like the old times. Like when you were still a little boy, my warm embrace could comfort you whenever you were sad."

"Mom, please tell me everything's going to be fine."

***