I planned to run away to the mountains with my friend but we are not friends anymore so my friend went by herself and I tried not to feel bad about it. It almost worked. Or rather, I feel bad about everything all the time so it didn't make a difference. These days, I can feel myself going insane and I can't bring myself to really care, I have been thinking about the desert sun in the desert country but everything about it confuses me because I can't see the sun and it doesn't feel real but I can still feel its heat. The sea hangs so heavy in the air where I live and I can't breathe anymore. Last week, I read that the pain threshold scale can be applied to depression as well and I think I rank between 4 to 8 depending on the day; 4 being I am constantly aware of my pain but I can continue most activities and 8 my pain is so severe I can hardly think of anything else, talking and listening are difficult. I don't know what to do about it. I have been trying to forget it all and think only of the desert sun but there are too many gaps in this story. I think I would like living in the desert, if I was a different person born in a different place with a different name. But I am from here where the sea hangs in the air and the desert feels safe only because I will never get to it. I am from this city that doesn't have enough of a past to crumble under so it makes up the most of what it has. We are not that different, the city and I. But everyone becomes the place where they are from. The desert sun doesn't rise in the desert anymore but the desert heat sticks to it. I was reading James Schuyler's love letter to John Button and tried to pretend someone wrote that for me, but I am unloveable and got tired of the pretense after a while. The sea storms haven't come yet this year. I try not to worry about it, there are good things that happen even in the sea-air. My brother brought me half of his sandwich the other day. My mother picks gardenias everyday and puts them in a little bowl with water. These are little things that are done with love and maybe they will be enough in the end. Maybe I will call the friends that I still have left and talking and listening won't be too difficult. Maybe I will watch the new season of Derry Girls. Maybe I will have a cup of coffee and not kill myself and that will be enough for today.
