I Realize. |l.s.|

V

November 20, 2018

Moments like these are always nice; moments filled with silence and peace. Even if it is with a cigarette between my fingers, it's calm, and sometimes calm is all I need. Ryan is always excellent company for times when I don't have much to say, and he understands that. He's sat beside me, and we're on his back porch smoking together. I watch the smoke from the separate cigarettes blend into the same cloud of gray. 

"How does clubbing sound tonight?" Ryan asks, breaking the silence. I take another drag, exhaling before I turn to meet his eyes.

"Tonight won't work," I shake my head. I'm sure to keep a quiet voice, as an attempt to keep the calmness of this moment. "You know my brother's just here for a little bit."

"C'mon," he tries again, holding gently onto my wrist as a way to try and tempt me. "You're always up for it. Don't let your brother hold you back from a fun night out."

"Ryan, I promise we can go next week."

"Sure we will," he nods. "But we're also going tonight." His grip tightens slightly and I frown. I don't like turning him down, but I can't give up anytime I have with Zayn.

"Look, babe, I'm sorry but I won't tonight."

"I'm not gonna ask again, Louis," he says, a cold glare on his face and a hard grip on my wrist now. It hurts.

"O-ow, Rye," I start, and he lets my hand go roughly, practically throwing it from him. He stands up and marches off, a scowl on his face as he goes back inside. I'm frozen in my spot for a moment, with wide tear-filled eyes. No, I won't let this happen with another person I love. I won't make them angry and I won't make him get violent. 

I begin walking, my cigarette getting finished throughout the way, while I think. I think about my past, and I think about Ryan, and I think about how he'll want to meet Zayn. Shit, my life is never easy, is it?

I get home a little later than I told Zayn I would, but it's whatever. I get inside and smell dinner, so I make my way into the kitchen to find him standing over the stove, cooking pasta.

"Hey kiddo," he smiles towards me. "How's it going?"

"Good," I nod, avoiding his eyes. 

"Hope you're in the mood for pasta," he says. I just nod, playing with the hem of my shirt and shifting side to side uncomfortably. I can't stop thinking about Ryan. Maybe I should have gone clubbing after all, but Zayn would be upset and I would get less time with him, and besides, he'd find some way to find where I went, and I'd be in deep shit.

No matter what I chose to do, someone was bound to get upset. Maybe it's just me?

"Louis," Zayn says, snapping me out of my thoughts. "I asked if you could get the plates out."

"Oh, uh, yea," I nod, hurrying to do so.

"You alright?" He asks skeptically.

"Yeah, fine," I nod.

"Okay," he says, sounding unconvinced. "You're timid." I stay quiet, and we get our food, eating it while we watch the the Amazing Spider-Man movies. Zayn casts glances my way throughout the night, and I keep my eyes glued forward. I feel like I've ruined everyone's night.

~~

Short chapter, but eventful. How did you like it?

How are we feeling about Ryan now?