I Realize. |l.s.|

XII

December 19, 2018

Harry left yesterday so he didn't miss anymore classes before the holidays. It's a shame his school goes on break so close to Christmas. He promised to be here with the rest of the boys on the twenty fourth, just in time for my birthday. He says Zayn has texted him and has major plans, which I'll admit, I'm super excited for. It's nice to know how much Zayn cares and how much effort he's putting into my birthday.

In the meantime, I focus on drugs. Or rather, I focus on trying not to focus on them, if that even makes sense. Point is, I'm trying to stop, for Harry, and that starts today. He's crazy if he thinks I'm going to tell Zayn or my parents, but I feel motivated to prove myself to Harry.

I'm also going to get him his money back. I know he meant what he said, about me getting better being enough to repay him, but it isn't enough for me. I don't know how I'll earn so much, especially since I basically have no future considering my grades, but I'll find a way. Even if it's the last thing I do, I will pay him back every penny.

With every hour that ticks by, I find myself thinking more and more about smoking even just one blunt, but I hold out. I know I don't need it, and Harry would be so disappointed. I just watch the snow continue to fall rapidly outside. I don't know how long I'm sat in front of the window everything outside is covered. I sigh, walking over to the heater and turning it up to the seventies.

Another three days go by, and my skin is itching. I know what it is, I'm not stupid. I know I'm at the starting stages of withdrawal, and I wonder to myself what my life has come to. I can't even go a week without drugs. I can't stop tapping my fingers against the table, and I feel cold and clammy all over. It's like I've got the flu, only it's less achy and more annoying. I spend the day distracting myself—or attempting to, at least—but to no avail. I'm kept up by the same itch, and although it's faint, it's still there.

By the time I begin to see sunlight again through the window, I'm popping two pills into my mouth without a second thought. I feel weak and pathetic, but I can't go another day without taking anything. I'm fucked up, it's clear to me now more than ever, but I don't feel like there's any hope for me.

The power goes on the night before my birthday, and I just hope the boys show up soon. I hope I'm not alone anymore, and I hope they can distract me for a few days so I can have a break from thinking and feeling. I just want to stop hating myself for two seconds. When they're around, I feel like maybe it's possible for people to care about me.

When it's finally my birthday, I'm awake far too early, waiting and waiting to see a car pull up. The power's still out, but that won't matter once they're here. So I wait, and I wait some more, and somewhere along the way, it becomes darker outside. When it's night I realize they're not coming, and maybe if I had power, they could tell me why. They're probably snowed in too, unable to even find a train to get here.

I fall asleep early, and when I wake up Christmas morning, I'm still alone, and this time I'm not expecting anyone to walk through the doors. I'm gonna be alone this year for the holidays. It's probably for the best, in the end. I don't deserve to have friends or family around after all the shit I've done.

The power comes back on the day after Christmas, and I immediately get a call from Zayn. I answer with a frown on my face.

"Thank god, I've just managed to get a train. I'll be there by the evening," he says in relief. "I'm so sorry, kiddo. I feel like a piece of shit."

"Zee, it's fine," I smile sadly. "Harry told me you planned a lot. I know you all tried."

"Still, you were alone on your birthday and Christmas, of all days," Zayn continues before he pauses, backtracking. "Wait, you talked to Harry?"

"Yeah," I say quietly. He doesn't say anything, anticipating what I'm gonna say next. "We're okay now. It's weird, but better."

"Thank god," Zayn exhales. "I was worried about how awkward it would be with you two together."

"It might still be, if you're all still coming, that is. I get it if you have plans with your college friends or your girlfriend for New Years."

"Don't be silly, we were planning on staying the entire break. The boys all miss you. They're gonna stop by their families places first, of course, but after that it's just us all week."

"Okay, good then," I smile. God, I love those boys. I hate myself a little less when they're in the picture. Me and Zayn catch up some more. Everything is good when they finally arrive. We binge movies, and Harry and Zayn cook, and we play video games, and everything feels perfect. The way it was before everything went to shit.

New Years is good. Our neighbors set off a firework show, and we have champagne and charcuterie boards, and we all have pointy hats, and there's confetti everywhere. We blast early 2010s music and I find myself never wanting to leave this moment. I don't want to go back to the drugs, or the loneliness, or the school, or the stress, or anything else. I'm right where I want to be, with the people I care about most.

~~

Yay, another chapter! Nothing major happened, but this chapter is still important to the storyline, I think. Poor Lou :(

Thoughts?