✅ Potty Genius [NaNoWriMo 2022]

Thirty-Eight

¿Did you find a cute outfit?

I think so. But maybe it wasn't just one. Once I started going into the right kind of shops, I was amazed just how many cute things I could find. Sparkly tops, and jeans where the stitching on the seams was expanded into a pattern of butterflies. Hair clips, and pretty dresses. Underskirts and sparkly boots. And all kinds of accessories, oh wow! I didn't realise until Theo had drawn my attention just how often I found something that looked good and then decided I wasn't interested because it was too childish, and I was afraid of being judged. It was like there was a whole subculture that I wanted to explore but felt that I wasn't allowed to. Once I gave myself permission not to judge and just started looking at those things, I found that I wanted so many dumb accessories that there was no way I could afford.

"Call it a gift," Britney said. "If your budget has run out, I'll get a few things for you. So you can be as cute as you know you were meant to be."

"But you're..." I started, and then broke down, not knowing how to finish the sentence. I barely knew anything about Britney and Theo's lifestyles, but I knew that they had come out of university and gone straight into starting their own business. And just from looking at their office, with abundant evidence that at least one of them was living there, and furniture which might have come from charities and restoration shops... It didn't give the impression that they were particularly well off.

"Poor? Living in the office?" Britney answered. "Yeah. But Theo doesn't care, because she doesn't care about anything but helping clients. Like she can't get her head around the idea of having a hobby. And I've never had too much cash. But, well... I said before I was asking a friend of a friend for help, right? And that means that a couple of my friends know what we're doing. I mean, in the vaguest possible terms. But there's one friend... her girlfriend went through something pretty similar, four or five years ago. And she said that we should make sure you have the opportunity to explore. So that money doesn't stand in the way, and you can try and see if you want to continue building on your little side or not. I think it's a way of paying it forward, you know?"

"She'll buy me clothes?" I said, not sure I really understood, but also not wanting to let this opportunity pass by.

"We can buy you some stuff and she'll pay us back for it. Making sure that somebody else gets the chance to explore. Sometimes I think she feels sorry for all the people who are intrigued by this kind of thing but don't have the resources to explore their fantasies, you know? So she does what she can to help sometimes. Within reason. Trust me, you're a very lucky little girl. And some day when you're rich and famous, you can help someone else out."

I thought I could understand that. I still didn't know why they thought it would make so much difference to my state of mind. To me, it seemed like half the reason I was looking forward to this shopping trip was so that I could stop worrying about what my parents were going to say when I got home. And as soon as I realised that, I was actively looking for more things to take up my attention, so that I didn't start predicting how Dad would react when I got home.

¿Did you try all the babyish stuff on?

Maybe a little. I was embarrassed to start with, looking at clothes that would have been more appropriate at middle school than college. But Theo and Britney didn't have those same inhibitions, and when they held the outfits to me so that I could see how it looked in the mirror, I couldn't help smiling. It really was like I was a kid again, especially seeing myself with red hair. It was like looking through the old photo albums Mum and Dad loved to humiliate me with; but this time it was for real. And I could start seeing myself as a child again. Perhaps, when I did a twirl in a dress that flew out like my first school skirt, I could admit that I was actually enjoying how young I looked. And once I had the courage to come out of a fitting room wearing their latest suggestion, and there was nobody staring any more than they would for a regular outfit, I started to admit that this stuff wasn't as out there as I might have thought.

Or maybe that wasn't it. Maybe it was pretty weird, but nobody else could tell that. They couldn't see any difference between me dressing up in an outfit that would appeal to my inner child, and anybody else picking clothes that were fashionable because some pop star or influencer wore similar things. Maybe clothes were just clothes, and I could do whatever I wanted now.

At the end of the day, I came away with two dresses; one of them adorned with an overdose of sequins and shiny parts, and the other looking like something I might have worn for school ten years ago. There were a couple of cutesy tops too, and a hoodie with a foam unicorn horn on the front. Clip on cat ears seemed like they would be both silly and fun, and I got a whole bunch of cheap bracelets that would rattle and jangle as I moved my arms. The jewellery looked like costume stuff; bulky bangles in translucent plastic, like you could imagine a toddler wearing. But it wasn't out of the ordinary. While we were walking around the mall, I saw three different people wearing something in a similar style, not even counting the actual kids.

"Feeling more secure now?" Theo asked. "You seem a lot more confident in your style."

I pirouetted briefly, letting my iridescent skirt catch the light while I could see it reflected in a store window, and then finished by turning to face her, just a little off balance.

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe I'm a big baby, or maybe I just like cute clothes. Nobody could know either way. That's what you wanted me to realise, right?"

"And how much you enjoy it," she said. "Sometimes when you've been told so many times that you mustn't like something, you can't even see your own excitement."

"I get it now. So... where next?"

"I think a burger would be good. And then we can try to find a quiet booth, or we can head back to the office, so you can change your badge. I take it you don't need to change anything else?"

"No!" I gasped, surprised that she would even ask. Although my response wasn't quite immediate, because it took a few seconds just to realise what she was getting at. And even then, I had to think for a second. "I mean, I don't think so."

"It's okay. You can check when we found somewhere with a little more privacy. You don't need to think about all the adult thoughts now, so let yourself relax. Whatever happens, it isn't your fault."

I just nodded and smiled. And I might even have been skipping along between the two older girls as we grabbed sandwiches and headed back to the station. The day had only just started, but I already felt amazing, and I didn't want this to end.