The Agent's Temptation

9. I Refuse

You ate the bagel that an officer brought to you.
She was nice and smelled like vanilla and marshmallows.
Maybe she didn't and you were assuming she did because you were in the mountains, but either way you thanked her.
You had been given clothes from the station's lost and found but Agent Prentiss had demanded the hoodie and sweats be washed before you changed into them. Some of the officers looked agitated but none argued with her.

You were thankful for that.
You continued to tremble even though you weren't cold so you just cocooned yourself in the large blanket you were given. You were exhausted but you couldn't sleep; you were still too scared to close your eyes and the chair you were in was very uncomfortable.

As you shifted in your seat there was a light knock on the door. You look up as the door opened and a man with a stern face and dark eyes entered.
You remembered him. When you had ran into the restaurant the night before you had heard him talk to you and looked into his eyes before passing out.
He was much older than you and had an imposing presence but in that moment he had made you feel safe.

He looked at you briefly before he sat across from you and leaned forward, his dark eyes observing you intently. "I'm Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. You talked with two other agents on my team last night."

You nodded, not being able to look away from his eyes. They were so dark, so deep and defensive. But there was something else there.

"I would like to ask you some more questions if that is alright with you." He continued, as he looked into your eyes, never breaking contact.
"Ok." You said.

There was a brief pause between you two.
He looked at you, you looked at him.
He looked dominant, powerful and intelligent. He had deep frown lines and you could see the creases on his forehead from so much stress. You assumed he was at least 15 years older than you but that didn't matter, because the way he looked at you made you want to squirm in your seat.

"First off, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you went through this. Being kidnapped by a cult and having been hurt the way you were is extreme cruelty."
You noticed he glanced at your hands where a few cuts could still be seen. Thankfully the hoodie and sweats covered everything else.
"Thank you." Was all you said.

He nodded and quickly looked at the floor. "What do you remember about Adam?"
"I already told Agent Prentiss and Jareau. I told them everything."
"Yes I understand, I listened to your conversation with them. But there is always something we miss, something we forget."
You shake your head, "Trust me Agent Hotchner, it is impossible for me to forget what happened."
"I understand Y/N, but we need to try. At least once more."
You shook your head and you felt your body begin to shake.
"Y/N, without all the information we can't catch the man who did this you."
Your eyes welled with tears.

"No." You say through your teeth. "I'm not having this conversation again."
Agent Hotchner looked at you with a stone face, his expression never changing.
"We need you to try your best." He said in a collected tone. "It's important that you try your best to remember everything."

At his words you stand up and glare at him. The blanket you had held on to so tightly fell to the ground. Agent Hotchner looked at you and stood as well, not letting you tower over him.
When he stood you realized he was at least a foot taller than you.

"I said no."
You look up at him with furious eyes and while you couldn't make out an expression from him, you knew he was going to push again.
"Do you have any idea what it's like to have to relive a moment like that? A moment when you were stripped down to your most vulnerable? Where everyone saw you exposed with all your pain and fear?"

Agent Hotchner stiffened for a moment; you continued.
"That man didn't just hurt me in front of his followers. He didn't just strip me naked and beat me with a stick that cut deep into my skin. He didn't just keep me captive for days and hit me." Your eyes welled with tears as you continued. "He made me remember the first man who hurt me. The man who forced himself on me with all his strength and made me feel powerless."

Agent Hotchner didn't say anything, but he didn't blink once while making eye contact with you.
"For the rest of my life I'm going to have to relive this; I will have scars marking me to him. To BOTH of them." Your words came out in sobs but you refused to stop.

"So don't you dare ask me to relive what happened. Not now. I will help in every other way I can but I can't go down that path again-I can't bear to feel so hopeless and scared again."
Both you and the agent stared eachother down; refusing to break eye contact.

He had angered you, confused you and brought back the fear you were trying to run away from. You knew they weren't his intentions but you had to protect yourself; you were the only one who was going to do that.
Finally, there was some chatter outside the room you had been staying in and you recognized the two female voices.

Hotch scanned your face for a moment, probably trying to discern what you were feeling and how to proceed. But then, when you expected him to anger you further, he stepped away from you.

"I will have Agents Prentiss and Jareau come to escort you to our hotel. You need sleep, in a proper bed." He said, his voice dry and direct.

He exited the room quickly with long strides and not a look back.

You sat down, wiping the tears from your face. You thought you had made progress, you thought you could move on from this quickly.

But Agent Hotchner broke that hope in you and made you realize you were still scared.

And while you hated him for that.. you also couldn't deny that his cold, empty stare had fueled a fire in you and somehow, despite the arguing, made you feel whole.