Just Friends

24

୪𝚃𝚎𝚜𝚜୪

I feel weird.

I wish I didn't feel weird. Looking at it objectively, I have no reason—or right—to feel weird. But I do. And I'm stuck with it.

I swallow thickly as I stare at the remote control car on my bed. It looks really nice, and there are no price tags on it.

I can't tell how much it'd cost, and I'm scared to look up the brand name online to find out.

I finally opened Levi's gift. It's a little over a month too late for me to be opening it, and I'm slowly realizing that I never actually thanked him. It feels a little awkward if I do it now.

I'll still thank him, of course. I just hope he doesn't ask why I'm thanking him for a gift he gave me a little over a month ago.

And here lies one of the reasons I feel weird. It's not the drone I thought I wanted, but it's so incredibly close.

Who gives a twenty-six year old a remote control car for her birthday? I don't know what I expected from the big box he handed over, but it for sure wasn't this.

He knows me. Probably better than I know him.

And I want to hug him for that. I want to call him and ask if he wants to go to the park with me and play with my new remote control car that I know absolutely nothing about.

Scratch that—I know some things about it. Like how, apparently, it can drive on rocks.

While I stand here and stare at this gift on my bed, I start to feel like the way you'd feel on the lowest part of a rollercoaster. The silence and aloneness after a fun day out with a group of friends. The drop of the brightest smile you've ever worn.

It's that empty feeling after the excitement of being at the very top. The feeling is so overwhelming that I take a deep breath. It does nothing but stretch that empty feeling out.

And suddenly, my eyes feel heavy and I no longer want to go out today like I did when I woke up this morning. I feel my shoulders sink with the defeat of the day.

Meanwhile, my phone has been going off periodically all day with messages I'm learning to be used to all over again. Jasper's messages. But for the first time, he's not the one who I want to hear from. I'm not eagerly waiting for his next message.

I know he needed his space and all after what happened, but he completely ignored all of my messages for almost three weeks. A little part of me doesn't really want to be talking with him all that much right now. I find myself eager for Levi's messages lately. But he's been busy all week—At his mom's house with his brother. And Charlie.

Charlie's nice. I like her. She seems like she helps both Levi and his mom out a lot. Levi said he was really grateful for her, so I feel the need to feel the same.

But here's the other reason I feel weird now. When I have absolutely no right to feel weird. I'm confused too.

The day his brother got here seemed like an emotional day for both Levi and Charlie. I did my best to help out wherever I could, but I get the feeling I may have been there just to be there.

I don't think I actually helped anyone. Other than the time where Nancy came back downstairs while Bryce and Charlie were arguing loudly in the other room. Levi ran off to defuse it before anything got broken.

Nancy and I sat there in the living room for a while. We didn't say much, but the things that we did say always made me want to smile. She smiled a little too, so I think I helped her process the loud, aggressive shouting in the other room like she did me.