Treasure of the sea |Lesbian story|

CHAPTER XLIII

"Are you sure you won't join us for dinner?" asked Mrs. Taylor.

"I'm not hungry, thank you."

"All right," she nodded, then added gravely, "Miss Adler, do you need company? Do you need someone to talk to? Because if so please know that I am available."

"You are kind, I thank you. But no, I don't feel like talking."

"As you wish. If you work up an appetite, you can come down anytime."

"All right."

"So... I'll leave you now. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me."

"Will do. Thanks again."

Somehow, Mrs. Taylor was different from other people. Other people spoke empty words to me, those "I'm sorrys" so dispassionate, full of pleasantries and insincere. She, on the other hand, longed to connect with me, hoped I would open up, vent. She wasn't running away from my troubled mind; in fact, she wanted to get into it. However, I never let her. I didn't know her, I didn't trust her. And she understood that.

The sentence of Arenis and her crew devastated me. I had locked myself in my room and cried for hours. I despised myself for my behaviour. Why cry? Why feel sorry? It was only fair. They were criminals. They were pirates. They were murderers. They represented everything I'd always hated in humanity. Devoid of empathy... Why? Why did I despair so much? Why didn't I want to see them dead?

Sure, I would have felt sorry now, because they were people I knew well, but in the long run I would have found peace... wouldn't I? They'd get what they deserved. They couldn't go on living if they were a danger to society.

"Oh, God..." I sobbed, covering my face with my hands.

Why wasn't I able to admit it to myself? Why couldn't I wrap my head around the idea that these people had become my... friends? I had lived with them for months on a ship, after all.

I had never felt so confused in all my life. On one side there was justice, social norms, my family, a normal life that every respectable woman led, and on the other side there was Nassau, the sea, ropes and rigging, sails to mend, drunken smiles and impromptu dances on the deck of the Black Star, Jackie Jay's pranls and Arenis. Arenis. I kept repeating her name and couldn't understand why.

Of course, I admired her. How could I not admire her? I had never known a woman like her, a person like her. She was skilled at so many things, she was purposeful and charming and beautiful and she pushed me to do things I never thought I could do, as if she thought me capable of anything....

I stopped. What the hell was I thinking?

I got out of bed and went to the toilet. I filled a basin with cold water and splashed my face, trying to come to my senses. My reflection in front of me was watching me with fear, a fear that surfaced from the depths of my soul.

"Pull yourself together, Eveline," I said to myself.

I sat in front of the window late into the night. It overlooked the main street, and I watched the passers-by walking undisturbed on the pavements, horses and carriages making their way among the people. At dusk a lamplighter passed by, who turned on all the street lamps in the street by climbing up a ladder he was carrying.

They still had that night. Just one night and after that they would never see the sun rise over the horizon again. How did they feel? Were they afraid? Who and what was Arenis thinking about in her last hours of life?

And Dilthey? And Stevenson? And Naade?

At three in the morning, I crawled into bed and tried to sleep; all those thoughts swirling around in my head were nagging.

In my sleep, I dreamed of death. Big nooses stretching, dull faces guarding the last moments of life, filled with dread. Dilthey taking his last breaths, Naade praying under his breath in his native tongue and screaming and yelling and begging me to help him, Eddie being mutilated and burned and mocked and insulted. And then there was Arenis. I watched her die a thousand times, saw her full of blood, full of suffering, and yet those eyes of hers remained watchful. Always watchful. That cerulean so intense followed me wherever I moved. That look in her eyes that was like a caress...

"No! No!" I shouted and pulled myself up to my seat. I wiped my face with the sheets and glanced out the window; it was dawn.