Crowley's messy mind

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Crowley was never big on words of affection,his feelings were often casted away, somewhere into the depths of his mind and soul,
so hidden that sometimes even he himself wasn't aware of their existence so they weren't able to interfere with his daily life.
So why now, after all this time,is he sitting at the edge of Nebula,a wine bottle in hand,dark circles under his eyes with an empty look.
He never felt the need to express how he felt with words,he was a man of action so how did he expect Aziraphale to react when he blurted out how he felt for him.
6000 years of them meeting on earth,it took them long to realise how strong their connection was and yet it crumbled in a matter of seconds.
He keeps thinking about it
The way he spoke to Aziraphale,how his voice cracked and there was a desperate look in his eyes.The feeling of the angel's lips on his when he pulled him close...
It was all playing in his head over and over again like a song on reverse.
"Nothing lasts forever"-were the words that broke Crowley when he heard them from Aziraphale,he took it as a sign that they cannot last, was that what his angel was saying?
He is a demon straight from hell
he has done many bad things...
he is not kind..
not nice..
but..
Why is his heart beating so hard,why are his hands shaking whenever he gets into his car and hears the song that Aziraphale played in it when he borrowed it last time...why does he feel so angry with himself,why does he miss the angel..
Those were all the questions he didn't have an answer to but wanted it so badly.
Would it be better if he went to heaven with Aziraphale?
.
.
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