When You're Tired, Rest With Me

52

~
T.W: anxiety
~

Ellienne Assiana Schulze

7:49 PM

Elli
rhealleeee
nakauwi ka na??

Rhealle
yesss
dito na akong bahay

Elli
okiii
i just wanna say i'm sorry
and thank you!
that's all

Rhealle
Don't say sorry, Elli.
You did nothing wrong.

Elli
I don't know.
I just felt like I became an added burden to you.
I'm sorry you have to witness that.
It's not your responsibility to calm me down but you did.
Thank you!

Rhealle
Elli, you're not a burden.
It is not your fault that it happened.
Don't blame yourself for things you have no control over.

Elli
I know but it already happened before.
Dapat alam ko na kasi nangyari na dati.

Rhealle
You did great, Elli.
You were able to cope with it and calm yourself down. It may not be perfect and easy but the fact that you did is an achievement.
When you're counting to five during class,
it's a breathing exercise, right?
The box breathing method?

Elli
How did you know that?

Rhealle
I searched it up.
It is one the ways to regain calm and control over your thoughts. The fact that you were able to use coping techniques and go on with your daily life. That's an achievement.

Elli
thank you rhealle!
i wouldn't have know what to do that time without you.
usually, i would call my mom but later on, i'd feel bad because she's gonna be worried and frustrated.

Rhealle
Can I ask?
Does this happen frequently?

Elli
hindi naman
although, pag pagod ako,
i start to panic because i thought
i was feeling it again.
it started before pa grade 11,
you know naman
i was so academically motivated back then
ever since middle school.
i would join numerous orgs.
i would study for 10 hours straight.
i would really give my 101% percent
just to get that straight A.
it got worse in grade 11.
i would be so tired na parang luluwa na yung mata ko pero mag-aaral parin ako.
all i would do is study study study.
during weekends, i would just be home.
i would not go with my family to the mall.
i would not go to church .
i felt a sense of accomplishment with studying
na di ko na namamalayan na pagod na ako.
sorry ang haba wala pa ako sa point ko.
HAHAHAHAHA

Rhealle
It's fine.
Just tell me everything
you are comfortable to say.
I'll read it.
Just go on.

Elli
thank uuu 😭💗
so un nga
it was in rob manila.
my mom and i decided to go to watson for a while.
i started getting weak but I didn't overthink it
because i was so used to the feeling of being tired.
then, after that, binalikan namin yung daddy ko sa isang fast food.
sasamahan ko sana si mama sa counter but i really felt tired.
the moment we were about to eat,
i felt like i was getting dizzy.
it started to get hot
and i felt like the space around me is too small.
yung feeling na kulob ka in a tiny space.
then, suddenly di ako makahinga
and that time i started to be scared like
really scared.
that was the only time i reached out to my mom and told her about it.
they transferred me to a seat with much more space.
mej pinagtitinginan na kami ng tao because of it.
my parents kept telling me to calm down
na nandun lang sila
but i was still having a hard time to breathe.
i thought i was gonna collapse at that time
and it was scary.
my pinky started to get numb until it reached my one whole arm.
then, both of my arms started to feel that as well.
my face started to shake.
i kept praying and praying because i want it to end.
i really thought it was my
i can't say...

Rhealle
You don't have to.
I understand you.

Elli
there was clinic in the mall
but it was already close so we don't know what to do.
then, sinabi samin may isa pa palang clinic.
inalalayan nila ako dun
then, buti na lang yung isang guard may wheel chair.
they escorted me there.
my legs were shaking already but maybe because it was also too cold.
when i reached the clinic
i started to get better.
maybe because of the idea
that i'm safe in a clinic with a health professional .
that's the moment when things started to get down hill.
before that, i was already withdrawing from my responsibilities and works out of no reason.
then, after the incident,
i started to withdraw from doing acad works entirely.
i only did those that are needed.
i would just do it and pass only for compliance
because i would feel dizzy everytime i would try to do something and it scares me
because i still remember the incident so vividly.
i started crying nonstop everyday.
i can't remember the exact reasons
because it was an unbearable experience
and it felt like my coping mechanism even up to this day is to bury everything that had happened in the back of my head.
i would also be very sensitive and paranoid.
feeling ko lagi akong nahihilo.
multiple times, nagpasundo ako sa tatay ko
kasi akala ko nangyayari ulit yun.
i would skip classes in the afternoon because of that.
my mom asked if kaya ko pa ba ituloy yung grade 11 but I said yes, I can
kasi i would feel more disappointed with myself if I don't continue.
all those days,
all I know is pagod na pagod na ako
and I just want everything to end
and now that, i started to get better and it happened again.
i'm starting to get scared again
kasi ayoko bumalik sa dati.
ayoko na ulit dumating sa point na yun.
marami na akong naabala.
i just don't want it to repeat.

Rhealle
Elli, you have already made progress.
You are a long way from the Elli that experienced that.
You are stronger and more resilient.
You are not back from square one because you have improved far more than what you expect.
I'm so proud of you, Elli.
I really am.
I saw you grow up.
Actually, I grew up with you.
Even if we're not that close before,
I've seen you.
You were this determined girl who inspired everyone to be motivated as well.
At least, you are that person to me.
And now, that I've heard your experiences,
I'm glad you turned out to be someone brave to conquer it all.

[TWITTER]

USER: @notelli

😼🔒 @notelli • 1 mins
Lord, i don't deserve him 😭.