When You're Tired, Rest With Me

71

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T.W: anxiety and depression

Note: Do not use to self-diagnose. Seek professional help if necessary.

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Ellienne Assiana Schulze

10:23 PM

Elli
rhealle

Rhealle
hey

Elli
i'm sorry
i'm really sorry

Rhealle
You shouldn't be saying sorry, Elli.
I was the one who kisssed you and made things complicated.

Elli
hindi yun.
i'm sorry kasi ako yung umiwas
even before that happened.
you didn't deserve to be ignored like that,
not when all you did was treat me well.
when we were becoming close,
i started getting scared.
kasi dati wala namang ikaw.
you were just the rhealle that i knew
ever since I was in elementary.
but, then you suddenly turned
into this guy who would notice
every little detail no one noticed before.
you started to make me feel safe around you
na parang pwede ko sabihin lahat sayo
kasi nasabayan mo nga ako
with my cat obssession eh
kahit di ka naman mahilig sa pusa.
with those little things,
you made me believe
I could trust you
with the bigger parts of life.

Rhealle
So you were scared of your feelings.
Am I right?

Elli
Yes, I'm scared especially after
you calmed me down from my anxiety.
I'm still in the process of getting over it
or at least dealing with it better
so it might happen again.
I don't want you to feel obligated
to comfort me or be with me.
Ayoko maging pabigat sayo.

Rhealle
I didn't do it before just because
I feel obligated.
I did it because I care for you.

Elli
yes i know
and i'm thankful
but there's
a possibility na madrain ka
because other people did.
Pagod na raw sila.

Rhealle
Who are they?

Elli
gosh so i'm really opening about this
wait

Rhealle
If you're not ready, ok lang.
I'm just curious why you felt that way.

Elli
no, it's fine.
you deserve an explanation.
my lowest point wasn't actually
yung kwinento ko sayo
it was what happened after that.
like I said I was so tired
and i want everthing to end.
sabi ko after nung school year,
I'd have rest and
that is the solution but it wasn't.
it just got worse.
i felt dissapointed kasi
akala ko magiging okay na ako.
i started becoming more and more depressed.
i couldn't remember exactly pero
I reached a point I would
feel uneasy every single day
and I'd cry so hard
because of it kasi ayoko na.
I would wake in the morning
feeling this heavy burden in my chest
and thinking "ito na naman. ganito na naman kagaya kahapon. ayoko na"
I liked being asleep kasi
hindi ko dama yung sakit at lungkot.
I would go the the bathroom
feeling dizzy and panicky
because I would always feel
like I'm going to pass out .
I would lock myself in my room
and pray multiple times
saying di ko na kaya at ansakit-sakit na.
I don't feel any purpose at all to live.
I was trying so hard to
have a reason to live but I can't.
I thought na it was just better to end it all instead of feeling that pain.
Because of that thinking,
I got really scared of myself.
Baka kasi dumating sa point na
kung ano yung gawin ko sasarili ko.
It was the first time I asked
my my mom to see a therapist.
Are you still there?
I'm sorry na mahaba ito.

Rhealle
Don't worry.
I'm reading.
Just tell me what you want to say.
Kapag di mo layang sabihin, stop na.

Elli
Ok.
Medyo matagal bago
kami nakakita ng psychiatrist.
I'm going to tell someone about my life
so my mom really did researched kung
sinong mga tamang lapitan.
I was desperate kasi akala ko
yun na rin yung solusyon
and it would be easy but it wasn't.
it was like opening your mind
to dig down the ultimate reason
why you sought therapy.
i was doing it with a thought
in back in my head na sana
hindi ito mapag-usapan ganyan.
pero sooner or later, masasabi mo rin.
para kang pipigain para mailabas mo
but not in away na pipilitin ka.
marerealize mo na lang na nasabi mo na pala
and you would feel so embarrassed because it.
kasi those were your most private thoughts.
it made me scared again and
nasabi kong di ko pala kaya.
that is why I stopped.
di ko namalayan my parents
were having hard time as well.
di ko naman sila masisi.
it was draining to deal with me.
i would tell my mom everytime I feel anxiety.
there would be times she would comfort me
pero may times rin na nafrusfrustrate na siya.
di niya na daw alam gagawin niya sakin.
the payment was no joke as well and
i felt so bad because of it.
especially when my dad pointed it out,
nahirap na hirap na raw kami sa pera
tigilan ko na lang daw mga pinag-iisip ko
naghahanap lang daw ako ng sakit.
i felt so bad kasi nagiging pabigat na ako.
di ko naman ginusto.
kung ako nga lang, sana okay na ako.
para wala na akong napupurwisyong iba.
months after therapy,
my dad snapped at me
telling me the exact same things
na kaartehan lang daw yun
na hindi ko pa daw
nararanasan yung hirap ng buhay.
starting there, I became distant to him.
ansakit kasi akala ko naiintindihan niya ako
pero nagtitimpi lang pala siya.
napagod na sila sakin.
I understand naman
since people have their limits and
money is a big issue.
I just don't want you
to reach that point as well.
so I'm so sorry, rhealle.
di muna tayo pwede
kasi kailangan ko muna ayusin yung sarili ko,
how I view myself and the issues I have.

Rhealle
Don't say sorry, Elli.
Don't say sorry for something you're doing for yourself.
Wag mo ako alalahanin kasi I'm not expecting any answer.
Heal yourself to the fullest.
I can't reassure you on anything but
I would never hold your experience against you kasi naiintindihan kita.
Ryley was bullied before.
Because of that, she started having panic attacks.
She was so little yet she had to experience that.
That is why I went to Psychological First Aid Seminars because
I had to know what to do in case Ryley felt it again.
It was never her fault and neither yours.
So don't blame yourself for what happened.
Your struggles don't define you.
You are worth so much more.