Shea & War

Chapter 19

Little Bead Bracelets And Big Fuckin Feelings

War

The past month has been a contrast in opposites thats fuckin with my mind and sanity.   Stoner and I spent 2 nights in the hospital in Oregon, we were pretty much ok, but we both had concussions, stitches,  some minor breaks, and major road rash, so the hospital kept us for a few nights, we bagged some IV meds, slept a fuck ton (thank you IV meds), then we jumped in some trucks the brothers drove down, towed our sad assed bikes back home,  and have been recovering here ever since.

That's all good, no worries, we were so lucky, we could have fucking died from some god damn random logs rolling off a truck, so fuckin fortunate, I get that and I appreciate it.  What I'm struggling with is the hot and cold I'm getting from Shea.  I know I deserve the cold, I'm pretty much used to it, I've been working my way back to trust town, it's been a slow trek, but I know we've made progress.  "Patience Jack Ass, Patience", the words I repeat to myself too many times a day.

Then this accident happens, Shea and the boys drove down, stayed with us until we were released, they drove us back, well me anyway, Stoner was in a car with Dev.  I know this accident traumatized the kids and Shea, it was too fucking close to when they lost Rocky and Jax, so I get the emotions being all over the place.  I just don't want to do the wrong thing, and blow up all our progress, fuck it, my progress.

When Shea burst into the hospital room I was in, I was half out of it, doped up on pain meds, and post surgery to fix my arm.  I was so fucking out of it, I saw her come in crying, and it fucked with my head, I thought we were still together, she was crying, I was trying to help her, Rock looked just like his dad, I was thinking that Teller was Jax, I was so messed up.  Shea was crying and I was trying to calm her, telling her I loved her, thanking 'Rocky and Jax' for taking care of their sister for me.  Then like an asshole, I fell asleep.

When I woke up a few hours later, I was a little clearer about who was who, but Shea was sad and freaked out, the boys thought it was kind of funny, but Shea was so damn sad.  She spent the next couple of days nursing Stoner and me, then kind of ignoring me, but taking care of Stoner, the boys were just there helping, and watching with undisguised amusement.

They ran to get food and drinks, made sure Shea would get back to the hotel to sleep, kept us company, and then helped sort out the bikes, the ones that could make it back to the club, and loading up the ones that were headed to the shop.  The boys showed all of us that they're in the mid point of boy to man, and they are 100% the men their dad raised, taking direction, taking initiative, tending to their aunt, I'm so fucking proud of them.  I get why Shea gets teary, knowing that her brothers are missing all of this, watching the boys grow up, it gets me teary sometimes too.

Through it all, it felt like Shea and I had gotten closer, even when she wouldn't look at me or talk to me, she was still connecting to me.  I'd feel her soft hand run down my face, or her fingers combing through my hair, but only when she thought I was asleep.  When I was awake, she would pull back, talk to the other guys, the boys, nurses, anyone but me.  She was retreating back behind her protective wall, but I saw the cracks in the wall, the light is starting to shine through, and she's fuckin scared.

I know my girl, and she was afraid I was gonna bite it, and that scared her into acknowledging to herself, that she still loved me, and that's something she doesn't know how deal with.  It's ok, I get it, I don't know how to deal with a life without her, so, she's just realizing, that she doesn't want a life without me.   That right there is the mess her mind is in, her heart wants me back, but her mind is saying 'no fucking way'.  She's always been the smart one out of the two of us, but I love her enough to wait it out, she'll work through the shit pile of doubt I gave her by keeping secrets then leaving her.