Still Holding On

Chapter 67

Tony doesn't push Loki to speak.

Even when the sobs die down, Tony doesn't try to talk to him. When he wants to talk, he'll talk, but he has all the time in the world to get to that point.

There are a few times when Tony thinks the god's fallen asleep. With the early hour Tony woke him up at, he wouldn't blame him. But then he'll hear a quiet sniffle, and he'll know he's still awake.

It's a long while later when Loki finally whispers, "I was supposed to feel better."

"I know," Tony murmurs. He'd begun to believe it, too, but in the end, this was never going to be some magical solution to all their problems. They were both just blinded by wishful thinking.

"I can't believe that was real," he whispers. "I can't believe I lived through that."

"It wasn't you," Tony reminds him quietly. "Remember? It wasn't you."

Loki shakes his head minutely. "I don't only mean what I did," he says quietly. "So much happened before I'd even come to Midgard. I'd forgotten so much. And I think that was for the best."

Tony lets out a long breath. He doesn't know what to say to that. He doesn't even know what he's talking about. Whatever happened between his fall from Asgard and his appearance on Earth is anybody's guess. Even Thor couldn't help with this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tony asks softly.

"No." He doesn't even hesitate. "No, I want to forget it ever happened. I never should have done this."

Tony sighs. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I didn't think..."

"Don't," he says. "You were just trying to help." He lets out a long breath. "All you've done is try to help me."

It grows quiet again. A part of him feels like it's time to let go. His arms would certainly appreciate it. But Loki hasn't pushed him away yet, so maybe he still needs the hug, and if he still needs it, he can have it.

After a while, Loki mumbles into his chest, "I'm sorry I threw you out a window."

Tony huffs a quiet laugh. "Don't worry about it." In an attempt at levity, he adds, "I'm just glad you remember it now, 'cause for a while, my window-themed jokes weren't really landing."

He can feel Loki chuckle – just a little bit, but it's enough to make Tony feel better. He's somewhat amused. That's probably the best he can hope for right now.

"Are you alright?" Tony asks quietly.

Loki responds with a small shake of his head before burying his face in Tony's chest once more. Tony once again rubs his back gently. It's all he can think to do right now. It might be all he's supposed to do. He's not sure. He's never been in a situation like this before. He's not sure anyone has.

"I'm still mad at you," Loki mumbles.

"I know," Tony says softly.

"You still should have told me."

"I know."

Loki takes a shaky breath and finally moves away from him. Tony drops his arms, giving them a well-earned rest, and offers the god a sad smile.

"I don't know where to go from here," Loki says quietly.

Tony knows exactly where he'd like Loki to go from here – nowhere. But instead of saying that, he asks, "Well, where do you want to go?"

Loki shakes his head helplessly. "I don't know."

"That's alright," Tony assures him. "You don't have to know right now. You can just stay with me."

Loki gives him a small smile, a silent show of gratitude. "I suppose if I'm only looking at what I'd like to do next, I'd like to sleep a bit more."

"You can do that," Tony says. "Do you want me to walk you to your room?"

Loki hesitates.

Tony decides to take that risk. "Or do you have somewhere else in mind?" Like, perhaps, his room? The room they once shared?

"Well, Edward is in my room," he says.

Tony nods slowly. "Yeah, I guess he is." He debates mentioning Stitch, but the last thing he wants is to convince Loki to do something he doesn't want to do right now. If Edward is just an excuse, he's allowed to make an excuse.

"I'd like to have him with me," Loki adds.

"That's alright," Tony assures him. "So? You want me to walk you to your room?"

Still, he hesitates. "I don't..." He sighs. "I don't know what will happen when I go to sleep," he admits. "I'd thought it would help with my nightmares. I'd thought if I'd already seen it all, it wouldn't feel so bad. Now that I know, I fear it may be worse."

Tony's not sure what to say to that, so he just says, "I'm sorry."

Loki looks at him. "We started sharing a bed so you could wake me from my nightmares."

Tony nods. "We did."

"It must have been strange when I forgot that," Loki says.

Tony cracks a smile at that. "There was a lot of strangeness going on at the time," he says. "I don't even think I noticed." He shakes his head. "No, it didn't get strange until I started looking forward to it."

Loki smiles, too, ever so slightly. "Really?"

"Mm-hmm," he says. "You know, once the whole 'vomiting in the toilet and living off toast and advil' thing was over, that might have been the best month and a half of my life. It was really nice to have you around."

"It was nice for me, too," Loki admits. "I just..." He sighs, smile slowly fading away. "You earned my trust when you were taking care of me, and then I forgot about that, and all I remembered was that when I looked at you, I felt safe. I felt like I could trust you. And then you lied to me for weeks. I'd ask you a direct question, and you'd lie."

"I know," Tony says solemnly. "And if I could do it all over again, I'd tell you the truth from the beginning, and I wouldn't stop reminding you until you stopped forgetting. But I can't do that, so I guess the best I can do is say I'm sorry – over and over and over, even though it's not going to change anything and it's definitely going to get annoying and you're probably gonna want to duct tape my mouth shut pretty soon just to get me to shut up."

Loki smiles again. "Alright," he says. "I don't forgive you, but I appreciate the apologies." He sighs and looks around the clockless lab. "What time is it?"

"Time for you to go to bed," Tony replies with a slightly teasing grin.

"I think you ought to consider doing the same," Loki tells him.

Tony nods reluctantly. "Yeah..."

Loki pushes himself to his feet, then holds a hand down, helping Tony up, too. "I would like you to walk me to my room, if you're still offering."

Tony plasters on a fake smile. "Of course."

"I think I'd rather sleep on the couch, though," Loki tells him. "After I fetch Edward."

Tony raises his brows. "The couch?"

Loki nods. "If I try to sleep in my room, I know that all I'll think about is everything I just learned, and my dreams will doubtlessly reflect that," he says. "I'd rather fall asleep to a movie."

"That makes sense," Tony says. Should he try...? He's going to try. The worst that happens is he's shot down – something he's grown pretty used to over the last few days with Loki. "If the couch doesn't sound comfortable enough, there's always a TV in my room."

"Would you be sleeping in your room, too?" Loki asks.

Tony smiles at the feeling of deja vu he's getting from this. "I would be sleeping in my room."

"Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind sharing that space," Loki says with a slight smile, "as long as you promise to wake me if I have a nightmare."

Tony reaches over and takes his hand. "Always."