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2013
Monday passed, Tuesday passed, Wednesday passed... everything began to blur. I could barely keep track of the days or myself, finding myself more invested in the books piled in front of me and the boy who sat across from me everyday.
The scar pulsed every now and then, as it seemed to just continue to grow. I tried to not look too closely in the mirror and trace the veiny streaks that flowed against the side of my neck now. My skin developed into a paler complexion and the sunken in look of my eyes displayed the inside of myself like a journal of my wellbeing.
The worst part was the hallucinations. They became much more frequent and, worst of all, much more intense. I couldn't keep track of how many times I had had to kill myself. Each time, wishing I didn't have to float back down to myself.
So that day, I woke up and pretended like the last months of my life were not true. Picking myself up for each morning and dying throughout the night. When Kai asked how my hallucinations were, I'd lie and say, "They're the same. How about yours?" each time. When in reality, Damon had found about 1,000 more ways to kill and torture me.
I'd pretend to ignore the tousled hair that replaced what I once was or the bloodshot eyes that leaked into my clean ones.
I was okay.
"You are okay. You will find a way," I breathed to myself, looking deeply into the mirror. It had been a while since I had taken the time to really look at who I was. Was I actually confident in my words? Hell no, but I'd honestly rot if I didn't lie to myself about how I was.
Everything in me wanted to rest, to just let my body fall apart and desecrate into the layers of the prison world.
"Hey," Kai leaned on the doorway to my bathroom, letting his gaze linger too long.
"Hey." I replied, trying to ignore the crack in my voice and pretending to have some shrivel of composure.
"How are you?"
I didn't really expect that from him, so I tried to push away the surprise in my voice when I said, "I'm okay. What about you?"
"Never been better," he flashed a fake smile, raising his eyebrows in sarcasm, before letting his face return to its normal state of indifference.
Hm, we were both avoiding the truth but too prideful to admit it.
"Pancakes downstairs," he swiveled back and walked away from the doorway, leaving me to let out a sigh of exhaustion.
I didn't have the energy to do anything. I would rather lay in a small hole and stay there, if I could. Everyday seemed to truly feel like a chore and hiding it was getting harder to do around Kai, who seemed to read the pages of my face without me saying anything.
