Ah, the magnificent human body. Expertly evolved to persist in even the most hostile environments, regardless of whatever horrors and stress may lurk in the darkness.
It all boils down to the masterful creation that controls our beings: The brain. It’s nothing more than a bundle of nerves working together in a perfect symphony to decide whether we should relax, fight or flight.
On one hand, it’s absolutely wonderful, but on the other; I suppose my brain must have fucked up somewhere along the way…
…Because I feel stressed all the damn time.
Anxiety is a vicious bitch, and I can’t quite seem to describe it to any of my friends. Panic, worry and stress are all suitable words, yet they don’t quite fit. It feels more like I want to go home and hide, even though I’m already here.
It sucks to say the least.
However we try to explain and justify this peculiar monster of an emotion; Anxiety doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck. Whether you hate it, loathe it or wish it could simply die, nothing will be a more faithful companion on your journey through life.
The strange thing is that while being stressed has helped us evade predators and prolong our lives throughout all of history, being worried while chilling in front of the television at home makes absolutely no sense. Anxiety is not a natural feeling, it’s an otherworldly creature that follows each and every one of us around.
Yesterday was the first time I saw my very own anxiety creature.
My entire life I’ve struggled with what some might call general anxiety, and what others might call being weak. I don’t expect everyone to understand how debilitating it can be, but it has come alongside certain challenges throughout my life.
Due to all of this, it was a huge surprise when it suddenly stood by my bedside. I could physically see my very own anxiety, not as an emotion, but as a living, breathing thing that had occupied my room unlawfully for God knows how long.
There it was, just crawling by my bedside. A creature no bigger than a common rat with four stumpy legs and without a head. Its skin seemed to be covered in a thick, viscous liquid dripping on the floor with each step it took.
It was a disgusting gray creature void of any joy.
I quickly retracted my legs onto my bed and let out a surprisingly loud shriek. Something within me knew what I was staring at, a deep human instinct had awoken within me, one long since forgotten. That creature had been feeding off my fears and worries ever since I first started suffering from anxiety, but had it also caused it?
It simply stood there, staring back at me with its headless body, somehow aware that I could see it.
“Why are you here?” Was all my panicked mind could think to ask.
With that, without responding the ugly little creature scurried off under my bed and there it remained. The idea of it hiding in my house was excessively uncomfortable thought, so I grabbed a broom from my closet and tried to shove it out from under. Trying to grab it was like attempting to catch a falling bar of soap.
It’s weird how quickly we adapt to new circumstances surrounding our lives, and I have to admit: It was oddly comforting to have a visual representation of my anxiety following my every step wherever I went; Like a helpless atrocious duckling that had imprinted on me.
I quickly noticed that the anxiety demon would change colour based on how stressed I was feeling. Having to make a phone call to a strange person warranted a darker gray, while going for a job interview was a much darker, almost black colour.
However, even chilling wouldn’t produce a pure, calm colour, but rather a light grey, tainted image. It was my anxiety speaking to me even while I relaxed in bed with a book.
“What are you even doing you lazy piece of shit. How will you get through life while lying around all day, never accomplishing anything?” Was it actually all in my head? Or perhaps the creature was causing my some mental turmoil so it could easier feed off me.
Before long the little demon became a faithful companion in my day to day life. Just another soul following in my hopeless footsteps. It didn’t take much before I realised I could see not only my own, but other’s anxiety demons.
Everyone had one.
Most people had their personal creatures in varying colours from bright to a pale grey. They were just normal fellow citizens with a healthy mental state, living their best lives. Just a few among them had creatures of darker auras.
Oh, how I envied the people with brightly coloured anxiety.
In an unexpected fit of bravery I decided I would explore the city, checking out people and their demons chasing them. I figured my own little creature would be a good indicator, showing my anxiety levels in time so I could retreat into the safety of my own home should it be too much.
The first person with a solid black creature was a homeless person sitting on the street, holding a barely legible sign; He was asking for food. I felt his pain, now on a deeper level than ever before and handed him whatever change I had lying around in my pocket. It was only about seven bucks, but his face lit up unlike anything I had seen; For that one short moment we connected, and his anxiety creature changed colours. It was nothing more than a few shades brighter, turning from pitch black to dark gray, but it was beautiful.
Even the idea of helping him was enough to brighten up my own demon, just enough for me to notice. It was a heavenly relief.
I wandered around a bit more, entering one of the newer shopping centers. A small girl, no older than five had gotten separated from her mother and was crying her eyes out. Her creature was darker than I thought possible, so much that it completely swallowed any light getting too close.
Without hesitation, I approached her and her vantablack demon. After bending down to get on her level, I asked where her mother was and offered to hold her hand as I guided her to the closest security station. Mere minutes later the family was reunited, and her anxiety demon returned to a bright happy colour.
The connection I shared with the people I helped, be it only for a brief moment. Tremendously brightened my own anxiety to the point where I could almost feel like I was a part of society.
In being there for others I was also being there for myself.
So I made decision that I would use my newfound gift for good. The anxiety still remains and will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, but as long as I’m stuck with it, I want to turn it into a positive force in the universe.
