Warning on slight sexual content.
It is not heavily detailed and is mainly glossed over, but I still wanted to give a warning <3
Smith
The next two weeks blur together. Due to the fogginess of my brain from struggling to keep food down and school becoming stressful, it's been hard to keep track of time. All my days blend with each other and all I can do is hold my breath until the weekend.
Seeing Diego makes life better, truly. He's the reason I have the motivation to get up and go to school. He's the reason I have energy during work. He's the reason I go to sleep at a somewhat reasonable hour. He's the only reason I've felt some sort of happiness lately in the midst of my drained state.
Things with my parents have gotten worse, especially since it's the second semester of my senior year. Every other day, my mom is sending me dozens of scholarships and forcing me to apply to every law school possible. At this point, I feel hopeless.
I don't want to become a lawyer. I'm going to spend years struggling with law school, just to be stuck doing a job I don't enjoy. However, I rather be stuck doing something I hate than disappoint my parents.
I'd rather die than disappoint my parents.
On top of my parents being on my ass about college, eating dinner with them has become a nightmare. On the nights I'm not with Diego and/or staying late at work, family dinner is a mess. My mom can and will not stop talking about calories or other triggering topics. It makes life so much more unbearable.
"They don't make you take gym class every year?"
"No..."
"When I was in highschool, everyone had to take gym class so we stayed healthy and in shape." I can feel her eyes on my body Staring at it. Judging it. And the longer she looks, the more disgusting I feel. "I was always so teeny tiny in high school."
Why does she think I care? Why does she think any of us care? And wait, didn't she get pregnant with my sister in highschool? No way she was always 'teeny tiny'.
Dinner eventually ends, and the second it doesn't, I am on my knees in front of the toilet. There is no way in hell I'd be able to keep food down after my mom's words. And unfortunately, that's how it's been lately.
It seems like I haven't been able to keep a single thing down this week other than granola bars and occasional snacks. Not even when I'm with Diego or Dayanara can I manage to keep a meal down. Part of me loves it, but the other part of me hates it.
I feel like I'm in control, but I also feel so weak and powerless. Both mentally and physically.
After throwing up dinner, I check the scale. It's become my new best friend, it seems. I spend more time thinking about it than most anything else. It's annoying, to be honest. Always thinking about my weight and dreaming of numbers.
Luckily, all the weight I gained over the trip is long gone. To be honest, I'm surprised I've lost any of the weight this fast. But it's not enough. It never will be enough. The more pounds I drop, the fatter I feel.
I leave the bathroom and check my phone. Quickly scanning it, I frown at the lack of messages. Why hasn't Diego replied to me yet? Is he busy? Is he mad at me? Does he not want to talk tonight?
It's fine, I'll just walk around my room to burn calories until he texts back. That's the little 'game' I've been playing; walk after dinner until Diego texts me back. Sometimes, I'm not walking for long. But other times, I've walked for two or more hours due to him getting caught up in homework or his family.
