billie eilish mental health imagines

panic attack

as i began to pace back and forth, there were only a few thoughts spiralling through my head.

was i going to die?
who would do it?
would this be the end?

my heart began to pound against my chest, expelling all of the air out of my lungs as i gasped for breath.

nothing, for me, was worse than this feeling and this time i was having to deal with this alone with nothing to distract myself with.

what if you die alone?
who's going to find you?
you'll traumatise them?
do you know how traumatic that is?

"no no no, you're so stupid." i whispered, hitting my head everytime i degraded myself.

the walls were beginning to drift closer towards me and the more i looked around for an escape, the closer they got.

"logan!" i heard my mom call, startling me slightly.

you're so stupid.
you need to answer her.
if you don't answer she'll hate you.
it's too late now.
she hates you.

i began to shake my head rapidly, denying all the allegations that i was placing on myself.

"logan?" my mom called once again, her voice sounding much closer this time.

she can't be here
she can't see me like this

without even realising what i was doing, i pushed my hands behind my back to hide the shaking and went to go and find her.

"oh there you are." she spoke the second that i left my room.

i sent her an awkward smile before pausing to allow her to explain why she was calling me.

it was hard to stay focus whilst waiting for her to talk because i was intensely focused on the feeling of my heart pounding against my chest.

the intensity of the panic was only getting worse and the longer i waited, the harder it became to hide.

"billie's waiting for you, you said you'd go round hers?" she told me.

i raised an eyebrow, trying to rack my brain and see whether i was forgetting something.

you've let her down again.
you can't keep doing this.

"that's today?" i questioned, once i had finally realised that i must've forgotten.

the focus of my panic had now changed to he fact that i had forgotten all about whatever i had planned with billie.

you're worrying her.
stop it.

"i must've got the days mixed up, it's okay i'll go." i told her, trying to cover up the lies.

however it was clear by the pace of my sentences that something was wrong with me.

she nodded in agreement although it was clear that she was a little reluctant to let me go.

so get out of there.
stop causing problems.

i practically ran in a fumblimg mess towards the door without even grabbing anything.

before i left, i tried my hardest to internalise the now confusing panic that was beginning to fully set in.

my shaking hand grabbed ahold of handle as i pulled the door open and my eyes met billie's.

i stepped out, closing the door behind me as i struggled to maintain the eye contact due to the awkwardness that was created.