Behind the Spotlight

5

It had been a while since I'd thought about that memory; Alyssa, Rachel, and I were still as tight as ever and I would do anything for them, however, the beginnings of our friendship were something I'd rather not dwell on. Then, Amelia's voice broke through my thoughts. 'So, did you ever find out who supplied you with the cannabis?" Glancing at the blonde beauty across from me, I couldn't help but be puzzled by her apparent obliviousness to the answer. Raising an eyebrow, I silently urged her to finish her own question, sparing me the effort.

"I don't know who particularly did it or who even came up with the idea but all I know was that they worked for the show and it wasn't the last time they supplied us with substances." I spat, crossing my arms. I couldn't help but think about the teenagers that would be tuning in and would be outraged by my view on my past.'It's free drugs! They can't harm you, they need you!' I could hear their naive, and well imaginary, voices echoing in my head.

"This wasn't the first time?" Amelia's voice reflected shock at the notion that producers would willingly endanger teenagers. I liked Amelia, she was the only person in this industry I could trust but I had to remember she was also in the industry. While I could never accuse her of supplying minors with drugs and exploiting them, she had to be aware this was happening. She was so respected in her field and incredibly in demand, she would have had to done something sketchy to get that high up. Right? Perhaps I was being cynical due to the recent memories floating in the air.

"At the wrap party for the first season a little gift we got were white baggies on the main table which lead to my raging coke addiction for the next, three, maybe four years?" I knew my career would be over, if accusing a highly respected team of producers and a superstar host of child negligence wasn't enough, accusing them of willing and openly giving children as young as fifteen hardcore drugs would be enough for them to wipe my name from existence.

I imagined what would happen after this interview, a few months would pass until it was edited and would air and then the storm commences. Court dates would be arranged, my face would be on every drug store magazine either loving me or hating me. I would be praised for my braveness by the feminist of Twitter and the Damien Blackwood fanbase would crucify me, calling me all kinds of horrid names because I dare attack a man who they worship. I pictured myself sitting in the court stand, having to give my statement. On my side of the room would be scattered members of the show who told me they would back me up in this saga, on the Reality Rush side of the courtroom would be flushed with elite members of Hollywood who would do anything to keep this under wraps and would do anything to make me pay for going through with the case. "They gave you cocaine?" Amelia spluttered as she sat back in her chair, her eyes widening in disbelief. I nodded slowly, the weight of the admission settling heavily on my shoulders. The words felt surreal as they hung in the air between us.

"I was in and out of rehab, mainly out more than in. I would get my hands on whatever booze and party drugs I could get. When you're famous it's so easy, you know who to hang out with and what clubs will look the other way if you tip them enough." I let out a shaky breath, feeling the tension in the room rise with each passing second. I wasn't proud of who I was, while the memories were once fun and something I would hold dear to my chest, if I could remember them, the memories of Alyssa, Rachel and I hanging out till the early hours of the morning with whatever boy we were flirting with at the time now just hurt.

"Where were your parents? Someone to help?" Amelia asked with a heavy heart. The memories of my parents stung like a fresh wound, they were the ones who encouraged me to audition for Reality Rush, we were down on our luck and they just wanted something good to happen and I wanted to feel wanted. Auditioning fixed both of our problems. Once the money came in from winning the first season, they changed. It wasn't about fixing our family and trying to ensure we had the best life possible. It was about how we could be even richer, live in a nicer home, have the most expensive life ever. I never had an interest in music but when Damien suggested in a meeting with my agents it might be better for both of them if I had an extra selling point, my music career was made. I had a gold record before the second season aired and everyone, myself included, was raking in money.

"My parents, ah." I started, quickly having to regain myself. "I had them legally emancipated during the second season, or maybe it was after. I'm not sure." I tried to black out any memories of my parents, it was easier that way. "My parents, they didn't care. I mean I'm sure they did at one stage, when I was a kid or something but as soon as they saw the money I stopped being their kid and started being their paycheck." I tried not to let my emotions get the better of me but I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. Amelia listened intently, her expression a mix of sympathy and concern as she absorbed my words. The weight of my past, tangled with fame, addiction, and fractured family ties, hung heavily in the air between us. "They also signed the NDAs so you'll probably be hearing from them soon. My mother always enjoyed watching your interviews." I chuckled, dreading the thought of my parents speaking out. I knew they would have told the world about what a spoiled brat I was and how they so desperately tried to save me from the path I was going down but now after the interview I could just picture my mother sitting in the exact same seat as I am, sobbing about how the monsters took away their little girl as my father supportively has his arm around his wife agreeing about how the producers made them play the part of bad parents in order to keep their daughter on the show for longer.

"Did your ex-husband know about any of this?" Amelia spoke, her words shocking me. I know I mentioned him at the beginning but I didn't expect Amelia to be the first to bring him up again. I could feel my heart begin to rush, he wasn't supposed to be involved in this. It was just a throwaway comment, while Amelia was my trusted colleague I had forgotten she was also a journalist, she was going for the big headlines.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, fearing too much time had passed for the silence to be comfortable. It was times like these that I was so grateful that I never agreed to do a live studio audience interview, I could picture their imaginary faces whispering about me, laughing at how I couldn't handle a simple question.

"Your husband, did he know anything about your past or did you have to completely reinvent yourself and make up a backstory in case he asked?" Amelia's tone seemed pointed, almost as if she was accusing me of lying to him. The thought of my ex-husband watching this sent a surge of panic through me, I had never let him in on this part of my life. Mainly because I legally couldn't, but also because he shouldn't have had to live with the weight of my past mistakes. He was a simple man, conservative and kind, he would have hated who I was and I so desperately wanted him to love me.

"I..ah..Can we, can we take like ten minutes please." I asked, already trying to take off my mic pack. I didn't want to look like a wreck in front of Amelia and her crew but my carefully constructed walls were beginning to crumble and I needed to hide to regain myself. I couldn't lose it, not hear and not now. Amelia nodded her head as the crew temporarily packed up; the boom mics lowered and the cameras stopped filming and with Amelia's approval I ran straight past Alyssa and towards my dressing room.