Reflections||Tarasia

8.

DANIELLE

Walking through the cafeteria to my lonely table in the corner by the trash can, I was trying to keep my head held high to show confidence instead of fear, but I felt extremely vulnerable without her there to watch my back and guard my grill. The minute she left, the inmates started testing me. My new cellmate masturbates every night and I have to listen to it. I've been jumped about 6 times in 3 days. I've learned to walk around with a razor blade under my tongue everywhere that I go. I've taught myself that any object can become a shank if you use it the right way. It's a dog-eat-dog world within these walls, and these women think that they can devour me now that Taraji is no longer around. It's not going to go down like that. I like it when people underestimate me and assume that I'm fragile, because it catches them off guard every time I fuck them up. I shouldn't even be here going through this bullshit. I didn't mean to kill my boyfriend. I just wanted him to stop hitting me. I was supposed to just stab him in his leg to get him off of me and call the police, but a stab in his leg turned into a stab in his chest. I just kept going until the blade broke off from the handle and his insides were falling out of him. I can't explain why I did what I did. I just started thinking of everything he did to me while I had that knife in my hand, and I couldn't stop what I was doing. It's honestly a blessing that I was only given ten years because of how brutal and excessive his murder was, but I don't think I can make it two years in this place, let alone ten. Taraji has been sending me letters, ramen noodles, and clean socks and underwear. I wish that she would come visit me, but I understand that she just got out and she's probably out there trying to make something of her life now that she has the chance to. I just need to hear her tell me that I'm strong. It was the only thing that kept me going.

It felt like everybody was watching me, like predators sizing up their prey. I know that these women see me as the bottom of the food chain, and they're going to try to take advantage of that. I sat down at my lonely table with my back facing everyone. I broke off a piece of my plastic tray, because I wasn't going to eat the disgusting gruel anyway, and I started sharpening the jagged plastic piece on the edge of the table. I'm just waiting for one of these bitches to try me. It didn't take long for someone to see me sitting alone and take that as a green light to fuck with me. That someone was Duchess. When Taraji was here, they had a huge rivalry. It seemed like they were fighting each other everyday. She sat down at my table right beside me with a look of nothing but evil intentions on her face. I held my sharpened piece of plastic under the table, her mere presence causing my leg to bounce anxiously. Remember, anything can be turned into a shank.