UnHuman

Chapter 32

he's not looking at my face when he says this. my knees are doing it's best to keep me stable.

but it's doing very little too.

i feel sick. my stomach turning and twisting in every direction. either i interpreted what noah had just said to me. or.

or.

the worst bet yet.

he is in fact right. and i'm wrong. and. amandala.

amandala what? what did she do? what is noah so afraid of.

im scared to ask. im scared to talk. my dry lips are so sore of speaking, all i want is to crawl into a dark hole and live there the rest of my gold forsaken life. i can't handle all of this pain in my chest. its burning. its on fire.

before i knew it anger was rising in my chest. pounding on my beating heart.

i dont even know how i'm standing right now. why haven't my knees given up already. i want to forget. can this just please be all one big hell of a dream. wake up clara.

but before i could think of another response, i glance up teary eyed at noah. he isnt looking at me. hell i'm not either. he's too shocked he said that. to afraid of what the truth actually means. the look on his face shows fear. anger. humiliation. but.

but. for the first time in a long time. noah brooks looks

sad.

and i don't mean sad like he didn't eat breakfast this morning or something. i mean sad. really really sad.

the swelling in my chest hasn't gone down yet. i want to burst open and hug him. tell him im sorry for every hurtful word i have ever said to him. forget about all of this. and just. move on. i dont care about anything right now i thought.

its just

noah.

thats all im seeing. the expression on his face makes me ache. i want to slap my face and wake up. wake up and see noah isn't taking this very well.

because this. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to see in my life.

a broken boy. nothing else matters at this moment. i cant stop staring at him. take my eyes away from the pain written all over his face. his body. his heart. everything. 

it's all lost.

and i dont know how to handle it. handle this moment. because as much of pain he is in.

im hurting too. could he see that? can he see that im staring at him?

probably not. he doesn't want to look at me. i dont blame him though. because i need a minute to think. i need a minute to comprehend what he just said and what the hell it means.

my stomach  is breaking and crumbling with fear. the blood in my veins peaks higher and i'm wondering how i haven't fainted yet. 

the room is still very dark. its still very quiet. quiet enough to hear noah's pounding heartbeat tucked away in his ribcage. threatening to break free from his body. his so very very lovely body.

a hot dry tear rolls down the side of my cheek. but i wipe it away as soon as it hits the ground.

that seems to get noah's attention. he stops his movements. 

stop time.

1 2 3 6 seconds of bear silence. and he finally looks up. first slowly. but now i'm looking directly into him. into his soul. i dont have one i think. dont bother looking noah i want to tell him. but can't find the exact words to. my breathing is ragged and i'm getting lost in his golden blue eyes. i can't pinpoint how. but i am. and it's blinding me to the core. noah then purses his lips like he's about to speak