Those Who Wait (Formula 1 - Daniel Ricciardo)

27... Gone

"Noni! Get up!"

Two days had passed since I'd walked out on Dan. And it hurt, but it was for the best.

"Go away Jen," I groaned into my pillow. She'd allowed me to wallow in bed with no explanation for the whole of Sunday; surely she could allow me just a few more minutes before pushing on with our fitness routine.

"Noni, you need to get up and go to the hospital." This time she caught my attention, my body kicking into life at the sound of the 'H' word.

"Is mum ok? What's happened?" I asked frantically, jumping out of bed and pulling on the first clothes I came to.

"I don't know! Heather just called to say we should go down there. I'll drive," Jen replied, pulling on her own jacket as I tugged a pair of boots onto my feet and followed her out the door and down the stairs. It was only as we exited the building and we stepped out into the darkness that I realized it was no later than 4 or 5am.

That car ride honestly felt like the longest journey I had ever taken, despite only taking us 50 minutes to go door to door from the flat to the hospital, one of the quickest journeys we had ever made down the M1 and around the M25.

As soon as we'd parked the car, Jen had to jog to keep up with me as I entered the building and followed the familiar path to where I thought I should be headed. But it wasn't long before my path was met by my sister's: her eyes bloodshot and red, her expression completely blank.

Surely she just looked so forlorn because Mum wasn't getting any better, she couldn't be any worse. I searched my sister's eyes for reassurance, any hint of hope... but I got nothing.

"Its over Noni, she's gone," Heather eventually managed to choke out, her slightly taller frame managing to pull me into her arms, my own body feeling completely limp, the tears falling from my eyes uncontrollably.

Al of my emotion flooded out of my body, the anxiety of waiting to see if my mother could beat the cancer... beat the infection, the confusion about what I wanted with Dan, the pressure of our relationship, the weight of worry I was putting o so many people. Finally I let it all go, the trigger having been the news of my mother's passing.

"Jennifer, maybe you should give Dan a call. I think Noni might need him," Heather spoke softly to my best friend, squeezing my shoulders as she spoke.

"No!" I was quick to reply, finding the strength to pull myself back together and begin wiping back the tears.

"Noni, he won't mind being there for you... and I can't be there for us all. I'm already trying to look after dad."

"I said no! I don't want Dan, I don't need support and if I do, I have Jen," I hit back forcefully, finally managing to stride past my sister and continue along the corridor, eventually finding my father and grandparents, embracing each of them in turn.

*

A little while later I found myself walking through the grounds of the hospital beside my grandfather, a polystyrene cup of tea in hand as we found a bench to sit down on for a moment.

"And now we move on..." he sighed, taking a sip of his tea and looking out across the lake as he sat beside me.

"That quickly?" I choked, the tears still lingering in the corners of my eyes.

"Aye my dear, life can be brutal but those who win are those who fight through lows and come out better, faster... stronger. You're a winner Noni, and your mother new it. She'd be far happier to see you finding strength from her death, rather than sitting around crying."

I found myself smiling as he spoke, his words already full of so much strength.

"I will admit that I came to terms with her illness a while ago, and I'm now more relieved than anything to see her no longer suffering." I gazed out as the glassy lake, mulling over the words as he said them. He was right that wise old Sir Jackie... he was right.

I too had known for a long time deep down, that she probably wasn't going to get better... so weirdly I was also feeling that kind of relief wash over me. All that I had left was to make her proud. Because no mater how much she hadn't wanted me to race in motorsport, she knew I loved it and she never prevented me from doing what I loved.

"Then I need to drive like I mean it... I'm going to drive and I'm going to win," I finally replied after a few minutes of thought, my voice soft but firm.

"That's my wee lassie. I know you have it in you, and I know your mother thought so too," he smiled across at me, clapping me hard on the back and taking another sip of tea.

*

Shortly after my chat with my grandfather and making sure to give him a hug, I went in search of Jen and we headed back to the flat in MK. Heather was making sure she was there for our dad and to be honest I felt like a spare part. They'd been through this all together while was away at races, and I was much more use getting on with making myself 'stronger' as my grandfather had put it.

"Think about what she would have wanted for you, but don't take it as gospel. You'll make her proud as long as you follow your heart."

I looked up from my spot on the couch, where I had collapsed as soon as we'd entered the flat.

"And what if my heart is torn in two?" I mumbled in reply to Jen, her weight soon joining me at the foot end of the sofa.

"You try your best to tie it together," she resolved, tucking her feet up underneath her and coking her head to the side.

"I'm not sure if I can." I sighed, sitting up and facing her.

"Are you talking about Dan now?" she leaned her arm against the back of the sofa and stared back at me.

"And formula 1. How do I achieve all I want in F1, if I want to make him as happy as I can?" I closed my eyes, my brow furrowed as I let my thoughts run wild.

"How do you mean?"

"Well being a formula 1 driver brings its limitations. I can't have children until I retire, I can't be there to support him at every race. And he's always going to worry when I crash, despite saying he'd happily drive wheel to wheel with me. When we're together everything in my life affects his, and he deserves so much more than what I have to give," I rambled, rattling off reason after reason why I had begun to feel like I needed an out.

"Is that why you walked away?" Her eyes showed understanding as I nodded in reply, still torn by the decision I had made.

"But that doesn't matter now... what matters now is making sure I'm ready for the US grand prix. They've not seen the best of this driver yet," I reathed after a few minutes.

"And your mum?" Jen asked, obviously worried about how I must be feeling.

"She wouldn't want me to spend time crying, she'd much rather I used all the emotions this has made me feel to fuel the fires. She'd want me to win, and so that's what I'm going to try and do."

My reply was simply and to the point... she was giving me the strength to go out and fight. Because I could't change the fact that she was gone.

****

Ok this is an unbelievably rubbish and random chapter. But I hope some things have started to make sense... or maybe not?

Cheers for reading! x