All I Wanted: A Joshayley Fanfic

Chapter 8 - Don't Want To Love You

*JOSH'S POV*


She was standing before me, just out of reach, looking at me out of the corner of her eye. As I inched closer, she stepped back - and yet she signalled suggestively with her finger for me to follow her. This whole scenario had a strange, surreal quality to it, but it was too perfect for me to want question it too far.

She stopped evading me and allowed me to approach her. I placed my hands on her hips and leaned down to her height. She was grinning craftily, like she knew something I didn't. She leaned into me; my body burned and my lips were on fire.

It occurred to me while I kissed Hayley that it was wrong - that I should stop - but it didn't make me do so.


My eyes shot open and I took in my surroundings, panting as I recovered from the dream.

I was sitting on a seat near the front of a bus; my hands were in my lap, curled around my phone. Looking down at the screen, I could see I had been in the middle of composing a text.

'We need to talk. On my way home now. J.' it read. The message was addressed to Jenna. I hadn't sent it yet. I presumed I had fallen asleep before I had had the chance to do so; I hadn't had much shut-eye recently, and the sleepless nights were beginning to catch up with me. I was shattered.

I pressed 'send' and stared out the window, my breathing returning to normal. We were in my part of town now; having left the centre, the many businesses and shops had given way to lower-density housing and apartments. The sky was a spotless blue. I could feel sunlight beating down on the back of my neck. The brief spell of bad weather that had hung over Tennessee had relinquished as quickly as it had started, the rain dissipating into a mugginess that hung in the thick, hot air.

My dream frightened me. I tried to work out exactly how I felt, but it was all so muddled. I couldn't believe how Jenna had behaved earlier when she had seen Hayley and I together - it was so unlike her to be that hurtful to somebody. I had felt ashamed and angry that she could say things like that to Hayley. The Jenna I knew and loved was thoughtful, trusting and affectionate - not spiteful and bad tempered - and right for me in every way.

It was horrible for me to start feeling things for someone else.

You don't feel anything for anyone else. You love Jenna. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Maybe it was this confusion about Jenna's reaction that was making me have dreams like this. Yes, that's probably it. But I knew it wasn't.

If Jenna was so perfect for me, why was I feeling this way about Hayley? I was ecstatically happy that Hayley and I were friends again - happier than was necessary - and simultaneously disappointed. Disappointed about what? I asked myself. That you aren't more than friends? Don't be ridiculous.

It was both sinful and masochistic to be obsessed with Hayley Williams, not to mention deeply, deeply unfair to Jenna. With Hayley and I having just conciliated, I shouldn't have been thinking about anything beyond friendship yet.

You shouldn't be thinking about anything beyond friendship, period!

But I did need to talk to Jenna about what had happened today. I presumed she must have got an earlier bus and had already returned home, and when I got back, I would make sure I cleared things up with her. Because if I was going to see Hayley again, I didn't want to do it without Jenna knowing - but if she was going to be hateful towards Hayley, I didn't know how I was going to do that. I needed to figure out why she was so against me seeing her - and I felt so sorry for Hayley that she had been subjected to Jenna's tirade that I wanted Jenna to apologise to her.

When we arrived at my stop, I dismounted the bus and let myself into my house, which was directly adjacent to it.

"Jenna? Jenna?"

I called around the various rooms, but there was no answer. It was empty.

I was keyed-up and agitated that I had no idea where Jenna was, and so, to calm my nerves, I decided to pick up my guitar and play a song I hadn't thought about, let alone attempted, in years. My voice was rough from disuse, and I couldn't reach the highest notes, despite the fact that I was singing an octave lower than Hayley's part, but I stood there in my room and poured my soul into it anyway. Someone Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody) was a bonus track Hayley, Zac and I had written for Riot!. I couldn't accurately describe how I felt, but this song did.

I still knew every word.

It creeps in like a spider
Can't be killed, although I try and try to
Well, don't you see I'm falling?
Don't want to love you, but I do

Lovesick melody
Can someone stop this song, so I won't sing along?