All I Wanted: A Joshayley Fanfic

Chapter 10 - My Heart Is Yours

*JOSH'S POV*

I watched her go, and felt a piece of my heart dislodge and follow after her. The rest of my body stayed rooted where it was.

Jenna came home a few hours after. We still weren't speaking that much. Some part of me thought it was ridiculous, but mostly I didn't care. All I could think of was the girl who I had pushed away this afternoon, when all I had wanted was to pull her in closer and never let her go. It had taken all my strength to resist her.

I had done it because it was the morally right thing to do. It was what the Bible told me to do. But I wasn't what I wanted to do.

The feelings I had for Hayley were making me question everything I had taken for granted before. I wondered why I was falling for her so fast, and realised I had never really stopped caring about her. When we had dated as teenagers and broken up for the sake of Paramore, I didn't stop loving her. When she got together with Chad and I with Jenna, I never really stopped loving her. When Zac and I had left Paramore, despite how angry I was, there was a space in my heart that she still occupied. And now all that was resurfacing stronger than it ever had before, because Hayley and I weren't teenagers anymore. We were grown up, and tied to different people. But somehow that didn't seem to matter to me.

The days passed: one week, and then two.

Corinthians 10:13 - "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

But Lord, how do I resist this temptation?

She would be away by now, touring in North America and Canada. Even though I hadn't spoken to her since that day, and we were as estranged as we had ever been, knowing we were that far apart caused me physical pain.

The more time that passed, the more I felt my resolve crumble into dust. My self control was losing this battle. Three weeks. Four weeks. By the time May was coming to a close, I could feel that I was going to do something drastic. But I didn't quite know what it was.


*HAYLEY'S POV*


May 22nd. It's been one month since I last saw Josh. And I miss him so much. And I'm sorry.

We'd got back from our last show in Atlanta yesterday. This whole last tour, I had been utterly miserable. We were supposed to have been promoting the new album; giving interviews every day; putting more energy into our shows than ever before. But I had found it difficult just to show up on time. Taylor, Jeremy and Justin had noticed the change in me, but they didn't know what to do about it, or what may have caused it.

I was sitting in my living room with the TV on low, not really paying attention to the reality show that was on. This last month, I had been prone to slipping into daydreams, like I was now. I didn't know who I could talk to. Anyone I would usually ask for help in a difficult situation was out: Jeremy, Taylor, Chad - especially Chad. I couldn't exactly tell him the reason I was feeling so depressed was because I'd almost cheated on him and kissed Josh Farro, who had rightly sent me out the door.

Buzz! Buzz!

Just then, my phone, which was placed on the table next to the sofa, alerted me that I had a text message. I reached across and saw I had a message from Chad.

'Finished the final show of the tour. At the airport now. Will be home by this evening. See you tonight! Missed you - Gilbert.'

Chad always signed off his text messages to me with '- Gilbert'; it was one of our inside jokes. Oh, Chad, I don't feel like laughing today. I sighed and put my phone in my back pocket. I should be happy he's coming home. But what's the point in trying to deny it anymore? It's not him I want to see. It's Josh Farro.

Buzz! Buzz!

I looked over to my phone again, thinking I had got another text, but it was silent. It took me a few seconds to realise it was the doorbell.

Crap! Who could be calling on me? I hadn't invited anyone round. And I looked like hell. I had this habit of turning into a complete slob when I felt down; I was wearing an old oversized The Cure T-shirt I'd picked up at a charity shop a while ago and cut into a crop top, sweatpants, and my hair was yanked back into a sloppy ponytail.

I sped over to the front door - banging my thigh on the table as I got up - and peered out of the peephole. I was short enough that I had to stand on my tiptoes. Obviously the stupid person who designed this door didn't think about the vertically challenged. Of course, there was only one person I wanted it to be. It won't be him. He doesn't want to see me. It won't be -

Oh, God, somebody out there really does have it out for me. It is him.

He was standing there with his hands in his pockets, looking slightly cold. He only had a shirt on - no jacket.

I thanked God I had bothered putting makeup on, even if I hadn't taken much care with my outfit. I glanced at the mirror on the wall; my eyes were outlined fluidly with thick eyeliner that made me appear catlike, and my lips were a shade of fuchsia. Not that I should even care what I look like around him, seeing as he's made it pretty clear he doesn't feel anything for me at all.

I prepared myself, put a hand on the doorknob, and opened the door.

A light gust of wind blew into the house, and I shivered. Josh raised his head, and our eyes locked for a long moment.

"Josh." I said reservedly.

"Hayley."

The way he sounded surprised me. It wasn't the same hard voice he had used that terrible day in the Piano Room. It was soft, and it broke slightly in the second syllable of my name. He wasn't angry. He was upset. No, more than that - there was anguish in his tone. He looked almost as unhappy as I felt. All this I could tell from just the way he had spoken - I was reading into his every move, word and posture.

"Hayley, I -" He broke off, and I felt the sudden urge to rush to his side and comfort him, but I made myself remain stationary. He took a deep breath to steady himself. "Hayley, I'm so sorry about the way I acted. I..." He shook his head. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. You didn't do anything wrong. I should be the one who -"

"No, you shouldn't." He said it gruffly, all restraint leaving his voice. He stepped forward and, to my complete surprise, put his finger to my mouth. "Don't say anything else."

Josh was so close to me that our chests were touching. I stood completely still, hardly daring to breathe.

And then he crushed his lips against mine and his arms formed an iron cage around me, tight and inescapable. I couldn't have moved even if I had wanted to, and I didn't want to. I closed my eyes and kissed him back.

My reciprocation only made his kiss more urgent, as though I might be torn away from him at any moment. The chilled air turned scorching; I could feel sparks flying off our bodies and setting everything alight. I closed my eyes and tightened my own grip on him, securing my arms around his neck. Our foreheads were pressed together, his hands tracing slowly down my spine and resting on the small of my back, reeling me in even closer. His mouth parted and our lips were moving together, never pausing for breath. I could feel my heart soaring, taking flight. All the things I had felt dejected about five minutes ago were suddenly alright. I could do anything. I felt more alive than I had ever been in my life.

Everything was on fire.

It was impossible to think. I didn't care that we were kissing on my front doorstep, in full daylight, where anyone could see, or take pictures. Nothing mattered except Josh. He filled my vision and my senses, until the lines between us were so blurred we were the same person.

And as I kissed him, I could feel my phone burning a hole in my back pocket.

'Missed you - Gilbert'.



I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope
This time I will be listening

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours