All I Wanted: A Joshayley Fanfic

Chapter 13 - I'm Not Going

*JOSH'S POV*

I flicked through the television channels absently, changing between cooking programmes, home improvement shows and cartoons until I eventually paused on MTV. I usually can't stand MTV, but something grabbed my attention and made me stop. There was a picture of Hayley on the screen.

"It has emerged that Hayley Williams has broken up with her long-term steady boyfriend, Chad Gilbert of New Found Glory," the sunny reporter said. Even though I had been anticipating this, I felt my heart starting to beat faster. "She took to her twitter last night to write a short post confirming their split. This comes after rumours Chad had been planning to propose to the Paramore singer. We're guessing she's not still into him anymore!" She laughed once at her own lame joke, and then carried on with a different story about Miley Cyrus' new haircut.

I sat there on my couch thinking about it for a while. Even though I trusted Hayley implicitly, a part of me had been worried that she would change her mind about us. But if the report about Chad proposing to Hayley was true, that meant she had turned him down. She chose me over him. I could only imagine how hard that must have been. It meant that, whatever happened now, she was relying on me completely. The fact that she obviously had that amount of confidence in us made a feeling of warmth course through me. She did love me. There was no doubt about it now.

I won't let her down. I won't.

*HAYLEY'S POV*

I gripped the steering wheel with both hands, looking fixedly at the road, determined not to let myself think of anything but the process of driving. I gave myself simple commands to keep my mind from wandering. Now you indicate, Hayley. Now you turn right, Hayley. Now you break, Hayley. I didn't really know where I was going, only that I needed to get away as fast as possible.

Then I remembered why I was driving, and all the boxes inside my head in which I had tried to pack up all the recent memories opened simultaneously and spilled their contents, so that they flooded my mind in a strong, painful onslaught. The look on Chad's face when I'd left him in the restaurant. And then the more painful ones. When he'd got home, and I'd had to explain to him why I had left him there, humiliated and upset, in front of all those people. I'd had to tell him the truth, or at least part of it, about why I'd refused him. And finally, I remembered how he had just sat there when I'd finished, completely silent. The silence had been the worst part. It would have been better if he had yelled.

"Are you not ready, Hayley?" He had asked me. "Because that's fine, if you're not. If you don't want to get married yet, that's okay. I can wait -"

"No, no. It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

I couldn't tell him about Josh outright like that. I just couldn't. I hadn't thought my mouth was capable of forming the right words, so I didn't say anything at all.

"Dammit, Hayley," He'd said. He wasn't angry; he had just sounded sort of exasperated and despairing. "Don't I deserve an explanation?"

"Yes, you do. I just... I can't give you a good one. I can't justify why I'm doing this, Chad. Nothing I say can make it any better."

He had been quiet for a moment; he'd rested his head in his hands, and then finally he had looked up. His eyelashes were wet. I don't think I'd ever seen him cry before. "Is there..." He'd broken off, taking a deep breath in, as if he couldn't quite believe he was saying it. "Is there someone else?"

I had hesitated, feeling tears of my own beginning to spill out. Then I'd nodded.

Chad didn't react dramatically. He didn't bawl hysterically, or shout, or demand anymore information than, "Who?"